What is a Teen Advocate?

Parent Question: On a personal note, what made you, Susan, decide to become a "teen advocate"? And what exactly does that title mean?

A teen advocate is someone who is supportive of teens and goes to bat for them. First and foremost, it is someone who understands them -- their needs, inclinations, and ways of thinking, and then, because of this knowledge, is able to help teens discover their voice. Too many adults, including some parents and teachers, shut teens down and out! An advocate is someone who has gotten to deeply know them, and sees the importance of helping teens develop their strengths, become independent, and grow into responsible adults.

I initially became a "teen advocate" through my research for my doctorate degree. I spent one whole year, acting like a cultural anthropologist, inside three teen groups: a church group, a local YMCA group, and a drop-in hangout center. I also interviewed nearly 200 teens and their adult advisors within the three youth groups during this time. I did not find alienated, dissatisfied, and unhappy teens. Rather, in each of the three groups, teens felt strong connections towards each other. In a sense, they had created their own "families." I became a "teen advocate" because I got to deeply know teens through this research. I wanted to help them identify the positive things about themselves. Knowing and feeling good about 'who you are' is the foundation for all other learning.

After my research project was completed, I continued working with teens. I took teen groups on leadership building retreats, and organized inter-school workshops to teach teens responsibility-taking and social skills. Then, for twelve years, I planned and led leadership workshops devoted to helping college teens sort through their values and future directions and build self-reliance. Self-reliant teens can identify their strengths and list their resources.

Taken together, these experiences led me to become a teen advocate.

Pushing Kids to Take Leadership Roles

Question: Both my kids have leadership skills but now, as teens, they hold back because they are self-conscious. Will they outgrow this stage? Or should I push them to take leadership roles?

Sometimes we can help most by doing nothing -- or very little. If parents just charge in without thinking, fireworks can erupt and shoot dangerously off course before anyone even knows what's happened. More times than I'd like to admit, I have made the mistake of stepping forward, getting involved, talking too much and expressing what I thought was the best approach -- only to wish later that I'd just kept my mouth shut. Beware of over-involvement. Try smiles an humor instead. Try to relate to your teen with more objectivity and lightheartedness. Step back. See what happens if you wait a bit. Or engage in a dialogue on personal values.

Teens have their own unique values, and it is very important to let them surface. It might be helpful to have your teen write down his values. Write yours down too. And share them with each other. A note of extreme caution: Don't try to impose your values onto your teen! Teens must discover, identify, and own their values -- and not simply replicate yours. A few guidelines for parents: Recognize the strengths of your teen's values, support the values cited by your teen, and encourage open discussions on the topic of values. You may discover that taking a leadership role is not important to your teen!

Sparking Creativity in Teens

Parent Question: My teenage daughter says that school is boring. She was very creative as a little kid. What are some ideas for sparking that creativity again?

Parents must know that there are different kinds of intelligence. Math, science, and english classes measure intelligence with numbers and words. They reflect a traditional definition of ability. The truth is that all kids are smart -- they just express their intelligence in varied and magical ways. Parents must first learn what kinds of intelligence their kids have in order to nurture and strengthen them. When you've discovered what they are, help your teen find activities, at school or within the community, that develop them. Here are 5 different areas: 1. musical (sing, compose and read songs), 2. interpersonal or social (enjoy groups, perceive motivations, display empathy), 3. spatial (take things apart. work visually with paints, design, light or architectural drawings), 4. intrapersonal (deeply aware of one's thoughts and feelings and talk about experiences), and 5. bodily-kinesthetic (coordinate fine and gross motor movements -- dance, sports, etc). Parents, remember to broaden your definition of intelligence. In doing so, you free a teen and spark creativity again.

What life lessons do teens teach adults?

Adults are so fixed on keeping the same course. Teens teach us that experimentation and exploration are good, and that life's detours can lead us to discover hidden treasures. During his teen years, my oldest son loved change. Because of this mindset, he got me to think that change was good, too. (Note: Opening your arms to change, does not mean you have to let go of your values.) And I discovered that many teen interests are worth their weight in gold: exploring, expressing emotion, validating feelings, discovering new friends, and pursuing freedom. And at all times, my teen reminds me that humor is key to living. Think of something that at first appears negative and try to see the humor in it. Even poke fun at yourself. Recall and share it with another parent. Don' leave humor and merriment to the comedians. Life with teens is too tumultuous for that. Balance all that angst and intensity with the power of laughter.

Teens and Work

Jobs let teens experience the world of work. Even if the work is hard and boring at times, it is work. This in itself is an important lesson: Work is work. If you stick with it, the rewards are enough money to buy something you want, whether a T.V. or saving for college. Probably the most difficult part of work, for teens, is missing the social or "play time" with other teens.
I think work is good for teens, especially summer work. Jobs during the school year should have reduced hours, no more than ten to fifteen hours weekly, so they don't interfere with school. It's important for teens to find their job by themselves. If a parent stays out of it, teens learn the difficulty of finding a job -- an important discovery. Another is the experience of someone else serving as the boss, other than a familiar parent or teacher, to whom your teen must report and also be evaluated by at regular intervals.
Seeing how much money he or she can make, and what one can possibly do with this amount is critical to understanding value, expenses, savings, and profit. For example, if a teen works all day helping out in an office, then he can measure just how much work was required to earn that money. It gives him a feel for the hard work required, compared to the buying power of the money that was earned.
Finally, there are numerous other lessons that teens have shared with me: "I don't think I can do work that is boring day after day." Or, "I want work that brings me in contact with people, not machinery." Or, "I don't care what work I do as long as I don't bring it home." Or, "I want professional work where I am treated with respect." The bottom line: let a teen try his hand at working!

Graduating Seniors

Parents attempt to use a strong disciplinary approach with their teens, often with frustrating results. This "old school" approach doesn't work with older teens because they want freedom more than anything else. It is their top value (along with friends and a focus on themselves).
Family systems can be closed or open. In a closed system, teens are given orders, threats, and warnings by their parents. In a totally open family, teens are allowed to do what they want, and parents often throw up their hands when the going gets tough. The first approach puts teens on a short leash, while the second puts them on one that is too long.
The ideal system is somewhere in between. Teens need enough direction and control to guide them, yet enough room to let them breathe, learn, and discover. There must to be a balance between structure and flexibility.
To sum up, a strong disciplinary approach overlooks the need for growth and exploration during the teen years, especially those who have just graduated from high school. So, let out the leash some, and watch what happens. You might even enjoy it too.

Balance

How do parents remain balanced while watching their teen take flight?

(1) Keep your feet on the ground. Connect with nature. It may be your best antidote to the wild, risk-taking teen. I take daily walks around a nearby pond. It nourishes my senses and give me balance.

(2) Be patient. Take things slowly. Fruit that is harvested too soon is bitter and hard, but given the opportunity to ripen, its inborn sweetness emerges. Your teen is likewise ripening and maturing. Don't hurry the process. Surrender to this time. Relax and try to have fun with your teen. If you make a mistake, learn from it.

(3) Protect yourself. As parents, sometimes it's best to withdraw into our shells and wait out the siege. Later, we can take action to prevent it from happening again.

(4) Rest. The passage to adulthood is arduous for your teen -- and fatiguing for you. Rest is essential for parents. Step out of the way and refocus on yourself. Take breaks, even vacations, from your teens.

(5) Let the lessons of tai chi inform your parenting! Lead by letting teens follow their own nature and be their own guides. Step back and allow negative force to pass by you, then return love. Conserve your energy for when you really need it.

Do You Know Your Teen?

Are you up-to-date on your kid's life? Take this quiz by my colleague and friend, Camille Noe Pagan, of Lifetime Television for Women, and see.

Camille begins her quiz: "You know your teen loves listening to Kelly Clarkson, won't touch broccoli and could stand to pull better grades at school. But when it comes to really knowing her, there's a whole lot more you need to have a handle on..."

Click on or cut and paste the link below to take her must-do quiz. You will find out how much you know about your teen (or tween), and discover the easy ways you can learn more. "Teenagers want a good relationship with their parents but don't always know how to initiate one -- which is why it's up to you to get the ball rolling." http://www.lifetimetv.com/reallife/relation/quiz/rel_quiz_knowyourteen.html

Young Love

Young adolescents are blown over by the power of first love. "I never realized how strong love is," one teen that I interviewed told me. She continued, "It can't go away. I've had it for eight months now, and I know I have to let go and move on. It's so hard. It's as strong as the love I have for my family." These are complex emotions for anyone, but a teen is experiencing them for the first time. While it sounds simple, parents of teens can be guided by the knowledge that love is powerful. It can explain a teen's behavior when nothing else does. Romantic love is so all-consuming that a teen may think she has to set aside her love for family because she doesn't have enough love for both. Parents and siblings can feel this exclusion. She's sorting through her emotions now.

Tips: Create an open dialogue between you and your teen to talk about love, passion, sex, and relationships. Keep topics surfacing—frequently, lightly, and with openness. You'll find that your teen needs these conversations. They're on his or her mind now, and it's likely that not too many adults initiate discussion. Be sure to share your own ideas and views on love, relationships, marriage—and even passion—with your teen.

The Do's and Don'ts of Parenting a Teenager

Most teens I interviewed (approximately 150) told me that their parents didn't really know them. These teens wanted to be recognized and loved for "who I am inside." Instead, parents get hung up on physical appearance -- if teens have a pierced earring or pink hair or strange clothing -- and miss the inner essence of their teens. As one mother said, "we're not paying attention to who they are inside. And that's what they want more than anything."
How do you get to know who your teen really is? Parents can follow my "do's and don'ts":

The Do's of Parenting a Teenager
(1) Behave, talk, and act differently than when your teen was a child.
(2) Listen, observe and don't "talk at."
(3) Help teens let their feelings out--validate & don't try to change them.
(4) Give teens a role in setting-up rules and let them experience mistakes.
(5) Learn to compromise.

The Don'ts of Parenting a Teenager
(1) Stop the questions, the demands and the inflexible rules.
(2) Stop criticizing, scolding and grounding.
(3) Don't give teens unsolicited advice -- EVER
(4) Don't schedule meetings with teens -- talk with them on their terms.

Video Cameras and Family History

If you don’t have one already, buy an inexpensive, easy-to-use video camera. Or rent one; I did for our family’s first few video recordings. For sure, video cameras last a long time. I still have the one that I bought twenty years ago. Trust me, it will be one of your wisest family investments. At the very least, pick up a camera. Why? Movies and photos become the visual memories of your family. They detail ‘who you are’ at a point in time. But don’t just use them for special occasions. Catch the everyday moments of your day – especially your play and interaction together.

Our oldest son, John, who is twenty-two now, recently took all of our home movies and pieced different shots into various themes (like birthday parties, visits to grandparents, story telling and play themes) and put them on a DVD for my husband for Father’s Day. We have two such compilations. Each is a fascinating visual display of our family’s history.

Spending time with grandparents is another quick and easy way to experience family history. Grandma and grandpa have all the stories and memories stored right there for us to enjoy. Hang out with them to catch the colorful details about your family culture, traditions, and relationships. Better yet, use your video camera to record their stories and their images for years to come.

Family Storytelling

Family Storytelling

When we look back at our experiences together, we can pull out stories that have special meaning to us. This storytelling is a powerful way to express and share our family’s unique past. Listen in on two of my favorites growing up with two older brothers, and you will understand the vital role of the family story.
The house where I grew up had a cozy fireplace in the family room. Next to it was a small compartment where wood was stored. Our winter’s supply of logs could be put directly into this storage box by opening a small door at the back. Wood didn't have to be carried through the house. We simply stacked and stockpiled it in this box, using the outside door. Unexpectedly, my parents slowly learned that this same double door feature also accommodated the lifestyle of teenagers. I vividly recall the year after my oldest brother Dean had been away at college. A distinguishing feature of this age was arriving home extremely late after being out with friends. On one such night, my mother thought everyone was in the house, and locked the main door. When my brother returned home, he quickly discovered that he couldn't get inside. Resourcefully, he recalled the wood box "entrance" and proceeded to come into the house through it. My mother, who is a light sleeper, heard the sounds of wood falling (as we usually kept a large supply of logs). When my brother pushed through, in the hopes of being unnoticed at three o'clock in the morning, he looked up to see her there to "greet" him.
Another favorite story is the one we tell about this same brother leaving on a trip. Suitcase packed, it sat outside on the ground near the back of his car. But during the distractions of saying goodbye, he forgot to put it in the trunk before he left. Much to our surprise, when he drove down the carport hill, he ran over his suitcase! He quickly realized what had happened, got out, threw it in the back, and drove off down the road. We never let my brother Dean forget this “accident” of sorts, and howl with laughter every time we retell this story. Remembering our past in this way, serves to deepen our bond, connect us, and quite simply, bring laughter to us all. Humor is key to our story selection process. For certain, by repeating our pasts through storytelling, we experience profound joy.
Stories like these abound in all families. Use storytelling to share much-loved moments from your past. What are some of your family’s favorites?

Family Forgiveness and Cleansing Rain

Once on a family vacation, we experienced a midnight thunderstorm. Awakened by the sound of heavy rain, I went out onto the screened-in-porch with our two older children, then eight and ten years old. Sheets of rain poured down in front of us like a thick clear wall. Surrounded by water on three sides, yet cozy and dry under the protection of the porch, we stood for thirty minutes mesmerized by the solid downpour. Lightening brightened the sky periodically, followed by booming thunder in the distance. It was glorious. While we were enchanted by nature’s natural drumbeat and luminous sky show, it was the rain showers that made their mark that night. Not a drop of water touched us, yet we felt cleansed, as though the massive amounts of water purified us.
Just like spring rains bathe and freshen the earth, forgiveness too is a powerful human cleanser. Forgiveness helps us shed emotions, clear out and heal, and focus on the good things. Emotional clarity flows from rains of forgiveness. Let me explain. After several painful years, one of our sons phoned home from college to individually ask each family member, parents and sibs alike, if we would forgive him for his difficult behavior when he was a teen. He vividly recalled many of the arduous and trying incidents, reminding us of their detail, some of which we had chosen to forget. While the four of us individually told him that we forgave him, he reassuringly asked each of us a second time to forgive him, as if to permanently reassert the fact in his own mind.
It was just like the thick wall of spring rain on our porch. Liberated from negative emotions, now washed away, our son felt cleansed. Time and energy for positive interactions returned. For too long, negative feelings and events consumed his time. Letting go of them caused a purification to occur. Clarity was available to him now. The heavy rains of forgiveness freed him.
Just as the spring solstice is a new beginning, forgiving another family member opens the door to positive energy and intention. Shedding painful memories creates a sense of peace in the present. It frees one up for the beauty to return to the relationship, much like the arrival of long awaited spring. But don’t hang around for the person who has caused the damage to ask for forgiveness. This could consume a lifetime, as though the puffy clouds dash by and never let loose their rain. Forgive now and experience a sense of peace and joy in the present. The message is clear: Be cleansed by the rains of forgiveness.
Have you experienced the inner joy of being forgiven? Have you recently been the forgiver? How did each feel? Do you care to share you’re your experiences here? Read about forgiveness in an excellent book entitled “Forgive For Good” by Fred Luskin, Ph.D. or check out his website @ http//www.learningtoforgive.com/.

Blank Canvas

Several summers ago, we started a new family tradition—the creation of a group art project. We trek off to the local art store together and purchase a large blank canvas and lots of acrylic paints and brushes. Then we divide the canvas into six sections with a light pencil mark. This gives each of us our boundaries to work within. Since there are five of us, the sixth space is usually shared by two who want to have another smaller shared space. We all then paint our own space, taking as long as we want. The entire project is normally completed within a day, with each person usually working in isolation of the others. Anything is acceptable.
Not only is this art project fun to do every year, but we all look at it frequently and are now able to compare the years. We can remember how old each of us was and the important things that happened. But the value of this group art project is that it is something done by our family as a group. It reminds us that familymaking is fun. It also makes everyone feel attached, connected, and part of our family. When family members complete their individual canvas spaces, an amazingly integrated painting emerges.
Everyone needs to know and feel that they belong and play an important role in the family. They need to be involved in shaping the family culture in which they live and grow. Cultural traditions, like the shared canvas, are rituals. Rituals act like glue that holds the family together. Families can develop their own rituals. Any event the family enjoys and does regularly can be a ritual. It might be a fancy Friday dinner, a walk together early every Saturday morning, or a regular walk up the local mountain. Another of our rituals is to take a day-long bike trip along Lake Michigan every summer. The best part is that there are no rules on how to define rituals. They just have to make you and your family feel special.
Rituals often begin with parents, but children’s values and ideas should also be reflected in their selection. If a child wants to introduce a new ritual, parents should allow it, knowing that this will make the child feel special. Each member of the family can establish rituals and weave them into the fabric of the group.

Any event that feels special to your family can be a ritual and serve to bring the group closer together. What special rituals does your family have? Can you share them here?

Pure Play

Recreation, or play, means to re-create. Ask yourself “what do I do when I play?” Does it strengthen my insides? Is the joy so great that I can experience the beauty of creating and recreating? Play is not business, not obligation, not something that has to be done, not necessarily productive, and not necessarily involved with something “worthwhile.” There are times for these things, but they are not play.
Play is pure joy. My eight-year-old constantly reminds me of what play is. When he runs with delight, he expresses a rare form of joy. When he screams with enthusiasm at the plan to stay overnight at a friend’s house, he expresses the same pure joy. When he races to one end of the living room, slides, leaps up, runs back and slides again, he is playing. Play means to laugh, jump, celebrate, and feel happy. If you don’t look forward to your play, there is no joy in it.
Most people will reply to the question “what do you do for fun?” by listing all the planned activities on their calendar. They are going to go the health club after work, then out to dinner with a friend, then to their daughter’s basketball game, then to the symphony with their friends. These are very important activities, but they aren’t pure play unless you look forward to them because they bring you happy feelings, fill you up with joy, and make you smile. An empty calendar can bring such a feeling. It leaves the door open for your day to flow naturally, playfully.
So how does one begin to play? It helps to turn off the TV and the computer. Get outside. Connect to nature. Experience the beauty of our earth. Look around and feel a part of the joy and wisdom of what you see. Walk, run, move physically. Stop thinking. Start really looking at what you see. Start feeling. Balance heart thoughts with head thoughts. Let out intuition. FLOW. Allow play to emerge. See what comes out to play. Try not to force play. Be spontaneous. Laugh. Open up a new capacity for fun. Let go. Free your own child within. Enjoy the now. Do nothing. Observe the quiet. Just be together. Dance! Try mooing at cows.
The message here is simple: Let go and play! What are some family play ideas that work for you? Can you share them here?