Parent Question: What are the sleep needs of high school age teens? How much is enough?
Teens need from 8 1/2 and 9 1/4 hours of sleep each night. Most adolescents DO NOT get enough sleep – one report found that only 15% reported sleeping 8 1/2 hours on school nights.
What are the side effects of lack of sleep?
Teens tend to have irregular sleep patterns across the week – they typically stay up late and sleep in late on weekends. This irregularity affects their biological clocks and hurts the quality of their sleep. Some side effects include: Limits ability to learn, listen, concentrate and solve problems; Contributes to acne and other skin problems; Leads to inappropriate or aggressive behavior (e.g. yelling, impatience with family members and teachers); Eat unhealthy foods (e.g. sweets, fried foods) that lead to weight gain; Performs poorly in sports (e.g. reduced endurance and cardiovascular performance, delayed visual and auditory reaction time).
How do school schedules conspire against them getting enough sleep?
Schools ask teens to sleep at the wrong times. A teen’s biological clock is in conflict with the school bell. Too many teens come to high school too sleepy to learn. A few schools have become “sleep-smart” by setting later bell times. They’ve found that students do not go to bed later, but get one hour more of sleep per school night, which means five hours more per week. Parents and teachers contend that starting school later improves student morale and attitudes. Students report that they feel ready to learn when they get to school in the morning.
What are some pointers for parents?
1. Be a good role model. Practice good sleep hygiene yourself.
2. Enforce regular sleep schedules for all children and teens. Establish a quiet relaxing time in the evening before bedtime when music and television are not permitted.
3. Talk with your kids about their sleep/wake schedules. Assess time in extracurricular activities and outsides jobs, and make adjustments, if appropriate.
4. Consider having each teen keep a sleep diary for 1 or 2 weeks. Review it for poor sleep hygiene, and make an effort to change patterns, if necessary.
5. During vacations, help your teen adjust for a smooth transition to the upcoming school schedule. Go to sleep and awaken 15 minutes earlier each day until teen reaches desired sleep and wake times.
6. Always be on the look out for signs of sleep deprivation—difficulty waking in the morning, falling asleep during quiet times in the day, irritability in late day, and sleeping super-long on weekends.
7. Avoid use of caffeine and other substances that can affect sleep.
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
The Argumentative Teen
Parent Question: Why are teens so argumentative?
(1) They are busy practicing a new way of
thinking. (Jean Piaget called it "formal operational thought.") Between 11
and 16 years of age, teens develop the ability to solve problems WITHOUT the
concrete, action-oriented experiences of a child. Teens are forming theories
about everything—and testing them out. They make assumptions, consider
hypotheses, and work out the inferences that follow. This abstract thinking
is actually very difficult to master. So, teens argue constantly to practice
their abstract thought processes.
(2) Most parents are threatened by their arguing teen. I know of one dad
who threatened to put his "rude and argumentative" daughter into juvenile
hall because of it! She was a totally good kid with straight A's, piano
recitals, drama club—the whole bit. If he'd understood that she was
struggling to learn abstract thought and logic, perhaps lively debates would
have taken the place of rejection and heartbreak on their home front.
(3) What can parents do to actively support their teen's abstract thinking?
Why not go with the flow and nurture this new development? Encourage your
teen's efforts to define his or her world view through abstraction and
reflection, questions, and experimentation. Don't rush in with answers.
And don't automatically go on the war path when a teenager questions your
most deeply held values or assumptions about life. Let teens have the
opportunity to make intellectual choices for themselves. Organize your home
environment to allow for formal abstract thinking.
How can parents cope?
1. Why not create a think tank that is rich, both socially and
intellectually! Let your teen interact with and bring in other people’s viewpoints.
Exposure to different types of people and thought can be very
positive now. Different role models should be made available too.
2. Dig out some of your old college books on logic. Reread Aristotle and
Socrates. Introduce them to your teen. (Wow! They'll think you're "far
out.")
3. You might even set up and engage in formal debates. (This would have the
added benefit of teaching all of you the rules for "fighting fair" when you
disagree.) Remember: the goal is to increase the capacity to think—for
teens and parents alike. So, use this time to reexamine some of your own
ideas and clean up any of your own thought processes that may have grown
stuck, rusty, or sloppy over time. The timing is perfect to support your
teen's cognitive growth—and your own.
Remember: This argumentative phase is related to your teen's
struggle to learn abstract thought and logic. Try to nurture, support, and
even enjoy this development, rather than feel annoyed or threatened by it.
(1) They are busy practicing a new way of
thinking. (Jean Piaget called it "formal operational thought.") Between 11
and 16 years of age, teens develop the ability to solve problems WITHOUT the
concrete, action-oriented experiences of a child. Teens are forming theories
about everything—and testing them out. They make assumptions, consider
hypotheses, and work out the inferences that follow. This abstract thinking
is actually very difficult to master. So, teens argue constantly to practice
their abstract thought processes.
(2) Most parents are threatened by their arguing teen. I know of one dad
who threatened to put his "rude and argumentative" daughter into juvenile
hall because of it! She was a totally good kid with straight A's, piano
recitals, drama club—the whole bit. If he'd understood that she was
struggling to learn abstract thought and logic, perhaps lively debates would
have taken the place of rejection and heartbreak on their home front.
(3) What can parents do to actively support their teen's abstract thinking?
Why not go with the flow and nurture this new development? Encourage your
teen's efforts to define his or her world view through abstraction and
reflection, questions, and experimentation. Don't rush in with answers.
And don't automatically go on the war path when a teenager questions your
most deeply held values or assumptions about life. Let teens have the
opportunity to make intellectual choices for themselves. Organize your home
environment to allow for formal abstract thinking.
How can parents cope?
1. Why not create a think tank that is rich, both socially and
intellectually! Let your teen interact with and bring in other people’s viewpoints.
Exposure to different types of people and thought can be very
positive now. Different role models should be made available too.
2. Dig out some of your old college books on logic. Reread Aristotle and
Socrates. Introduce them to your teen. (Wow! They'll think you're "far
out.")
3. You might even set up and engage in formal debates. (This would have the
added benefit of teaching all of you the rules for "fighting fair" when you
disagree.) Remember: the goal is to increase the capacity to think—for
teens and parents alike. So, use this time to reexamine some of your own
ideas and clean up any of your own thought processes that may have grown
stuck, rusty, or sloppy over time. The timing is perfect to support your
teen's cognitive growth—and your own.
Remember: This argumentative phase is related to your teen's
struggle to learn abstract thought and logic. Try to nurture, support, and
even enjoy this development, rather than feel annoyed or threatened by it.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Teens and Making Mistakes
Parent Question: My teen says he doesn't need my help with school stuff or day-to-day decisions, but I see him making mistakes. How can I stay involved without being too intrusive?
Winston Churchill once said, "I've eaten many of my words, and I've found them nourishing." Do you support your teen's effort to find out who she is, try things on her own, and make her own "nourishing" mistakes? Often, a parent's role is to simply watch the development. Freedom is the starting point. If a parent gives a teen the freedom to make decisions and experience her stumbles, she will learn. When my oldest son was a junior, he switched high schools by his own choice. As difficult as it was to watch his painful process, I learned this key parent lesson: "I don't care what you decide -- I just want you to do what you want." While it may sound obvious and easy to do, is isn't. The teen years are about your teen making choices, learning from mistakes, and being "nourished" through hard-won lessons along the way.
Winston Churchill once said, "I've eaten many of my words, and I've found them nourishing." Do you support your teen's effort to find out who she is, try things on her own, and make her own "nourishing" mistakes? Often, a parent's role is to simply watch the development. Freedom is the starting point. If a parent gives a teen the freedom to make decisions and experience her stumbles, she will learn. When my oldest son was a junior, he switched high schools by his own choice. As difficult as it was to watch his painful process, I learned this key parent lesson: "I don't care what you decide -- I just want you to do what you want." While it may sound obvious and easy to do, is isn't. The teen years are about your teen making choices, learning from mistakes, and being "nourished" through hard-won lessons along the way.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
The Ins and Outs of Allowance: What Homefront Dollars Teach Children and Teens
What is a good age to start giving an allowance?
The purpose of allowance is to teach children and teens how to save, spend, and budget money. I think ten-years of age is an age appropriate time to begin learning these things and a good time to start an allowance.
How should a parent determine when to increase or decrease an allowance?
If the child or teen is running short -- spending too much and not saving -- then talk about and work on a budget together, and see if more money is needed. Adjust accordingly.
Should allowances be based on doing chores?
Importantly, household chores should NOT be connected to an allowance. Everyone in the family needs to help out in some way, so mom and dad are not doing most of the work. It works well if each child chooses and takes responsibility for several big chores that he or she likes to do and does well. Teens need to learn adult survival skills. So, give them plenty of responsibilities around the house, and help them learn responsibility – the ultimate survival skill. And don’t forget: Allowance should not be connected to household chores.
Should allowances be based on good behavior or grades? Similarly, should an allowance be tied to punishment?
Allowances should never be connected to good behavior or grades! Parents, select a different way to reward children and teens for good behavior and grades. It is fine to give them a monetary reward for the good grades, but don’t say it is their allowance. Remember: Allowances should be put in place to teach children and teens how to save, spend, and budget. Similarly, allowances should never be tied to punishment. Don’t withhold an allowance, if your teen has done something wrong. Select a different way to communicate your thoughts about your teen’s negative behavior.
If a child or teen gets a job, should an allowance stop?
I like the idea of continuing with allowance even though a job now figures into the picture. They key is working together (parent and teen) on a budget. With more money coming in the teen’s door (from a job), then more money can be saved and perhaps invested. Teens can learn to buy stocks or invest in other ways. A watchful eye on spending should be always executed. Parents want to encourage saving and investing. Jobs increase these possibilities.
Should you give cash to a child, or deposit money in a savings account for them?
Yes, if it is done in a way that nurtures the habit of saving money and setting an example of saving.
Should there be rules set for what an allowance can be spent on, or is it just "fun money?"
Yes. A general rule of thumb is to spend one-half to two-thirds or an allowance, and save the rest. Importantly, children and teens also need to learn how to make decisions and handle or learn from money mistakes. For example, if they overspend, and haven't saved enough to buy a sibling a birthday present, they've not managed their money well, and need to make some shifts. Giving them the opportunity to call the shots does teach children and teens alike valuable lessons about money management.
The purpose of allowance is to teach children and teens how to save, spend, and budget money. I think ten-years of age is an age appropriate time to begin learning these things and a good time to start an allowance.
How should a parent determine when to increase or decrease an allowance?
If the child or teen is running short -- spending too much and not saving -- then talk about and work on a budget together, and see if more money is needed. Adjust accordingly.
Should allowances be based on doing chores?
Importantly, household chores should NOT be connected to an allowance. Everyone in the family needs to help out in some way, so mom and dad are not doing most of the work. It works well if each child chooses and takes responsibility for several big chores that he or she likes to do and does well. Teens need to learn adult survival skills. So, give them plenty of responsibilities around the house, and help them learn responsibility – the ultimate survival skill. And don’t forget: Allowance should not be connected to household chores.
Should allowances be based on good behavior or grades? Similarly, should an allowance be tied to punishment?
Allowances should never be connected to good behavior or grades! Parents, select a different way to reward children and teens for good behavior and grades. It is fine to give them a monetary reward for the good grades, but don’t say it is their allowance. Remember: Allowances should be put in place to teach children and teens how to save, spend, and budget. Similarly, allowances should never be tied to punishment. Don’t withhold an allowance, if your teen has done something wrong. Select a different way to communicate your thoughts about your teen’s negative behavior.
If a child or teen gets a job, should an allowance stop?
I like the idea of continuing with allowance even though a job now figures into the picture. They key is working together (parent and teen) on a budget. With more money coming in the teen’s door (from a job), then more money can be saved and perhaps invested. Teens can learn to buy stocks or invest in other ways. A watchful eye on spending should be always executed. Parents want to encourage saving and investing. Jobs increase these possibilities.
Should you give cash to a child, or deposit money in a savings account for them?
Yes, if it is done in a way that nurtures the habit of saving money and setting an example of saving.
Should there be rules set for what an allowance can be spent on, or is it just "fun money?"
Yes. A general rule of thumb is to spend one-half to two-thirds or an allowance, and save the rest. Importantly, children and teens also need to learn how to make decisions and handle or learn from money mistakes. For example, if they overspend, and haven't saved enough to buy a sibling a birthday present, they've not managed their money well, and need to make some shifts. Giving them the opportunity to call the shots does teach children and teens alike valuable lessons about money management.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Curfews for Teens
Curfews are important because they set up reasonable boundaries to protect your family culture. But know that teens hate fixed, out-of-date, and inhuman rules with a passion. (Have you noticed?) They want to be involved in the process of establishing them. So sit down with your teens and work together on a list of specific rules for your household. Give them the opportunity to come up with ideas, add to the list, and comment on anything related to each of the rules. Here are a few simple rules for putting curfews in place.
(1) Involve your teens in setting their nighttime boundaries. Reach an agreement together as to a curfew time that is age-appropriate for each teen. COMPROMISE, if necessary. At 14, you may want her home at 11:00pm. She wants 11:30pm. Reach a middle point and agree on it -- say 11:15pm. Or if she has good reasons for 11:30pm, go with it. You don't always have to be the "winner."
As your teen gets older, the arrival hour is negotiated toward an increasingly later time. For example, at 16, it may be 12:30am. The important point is that you reach an agreement together as to this time, and discuss the consequences of breaking the curfew time, too.
(2) Communicate clearly what the agreed upon times are, through written and verbal reinforcements. This means, post it on the refrigerator and reinforce with a verbal reminder like "Look forward to seeing you around eleven tonight."
(3) Execute the consequences of broken roles. When she is late, give her the freedom and opportunity to comment and explain. May be there were unplanned events, like a flat tire, or a surprise party. Try to find a solution to the problem together.
(4) If a teen still breaks the curfew rule, let the agreed-upon consequences fall into place. Since you and your teen have already discussed these consequences and set them up together (e.g. take away car keys, remove home privileges, like TV use, etc.) you are not forced into the position of playing the "heavy" or "bad guy."
(5) If your teen has missed curfew because drinking or drugs were involved, then the consequences are more serious. Simply enact these more serious consequences that you and your teen set up together.
(1) Involve your teens in setting their nighttime boundaries. Reach an agreement together as to a curfew time that is age-appropriate for each teen. COMPROMISE, if necessary. At 14, you may want her home at 11:00pm. She wants 11:30pm. Reach a middle point and agree on it -- say 11:15pm. Or if she has good reasons for 11:30pm, go with it. You don't always have to be the "winner."
As your teen gets older, the arrival hour is negotiated toward an increasingly later time. For example, at 16, it may be 12:30am. The important point is that you reach an agreement together as to this time, and discuss the consequences of breaking the curfew time, too.
(2) Communicate clearly what the agreed upon times are, through written and verbal reinforcements. This means, post it on the refrigerator and reinforce with a verbal reminder like "Look forward to seeing you around eleven tonight."
(3) Execute the consequences of broken roles. When she is late, give her the freedom and opportunity to comment and explain. May be there were unplanned events, like a flat tire, or a surprise party. Try to find a solution to the problem together.
(4) If a teen still breaks the curfew rule, let the agreed-upon consequences fall into place. Since you and your teen have already discussed these consequences and set them up together (e.g. take away car keys, remove home privileges, like TV use, etc.) you are not forced into the position of playing the "heavy" or "bad guy."
(5) If your teen has missed curfew because drinking or drugs were involved, then the consequences are more serious. Simply enact these more serious consequences that you and your teen set up together.
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
KEEPING A JOURNAL DURING THE TEEN YEARS
There are 3 reasons why journaling is beneficial to teens:
1. A journal can help you make sense out of what is going on in your life. As you write down your feelings, you get them out, and start to clarify what they mean. It’s cathartic. A journal offers a safe place to feel and think about what’s happening.
2. Journals are a good record of your life, too. They detail what you did when you were younger. They can help kids remember what they were like at a certain period or time. Journals preserve the story of your life.
3. Journals provide a place to imagine, dream and explore thoughts. You can write in your journal to imagine possible solutions to difficult problems, consider the positive and negatives of the ideas you come up with, and figure out solutions to conflict situations. You can write in your journal to set goals and imagine future accomplishments. Think of something that you would like to happen to you, and use your journal as a first step to make it occur. As you write about it, you are rehearsing the idea, and using your journal to imagine a way into it.
Practical Tips:
Select a journal that you love to hold.
Choose one that you can easily carry around with you.
Write regularly. Develop a habit of writing in it. Be consistent, but not obsessive.
To get going, just start writing!
And parents, don’t forget the larger picture:
(1) "The Sacred Flight" is the life journey every child takes through adolescence into adulthood. Teens are discovering their adult self during these difficult years. They need to learn whom they are inside and become strong, independent, and responsible. A journal can be a source of discovery, comfort, and exploration.
(2) It is difficult for parents to truly "let go" of their teen. For the first twelve years or so, they have been connecting with their children, and now they must love and let go simultaneously. To love, parents will have to somehow hang in there for them. To let go, parents can keep reminding themselves: "This is not about me." This may be the hardest thing they've ever done as a parent. A journal can help teens sort through their complex thoughts and get their feelings out.
(3) A teen is detaching now. This is a natural part of the process of family life. The need to detach is so great that a teen may not even talk to a parent for long periods of time. A teen may avoid a parent altogether. In fact, much of the bizarre behavior can be explained with an eye on this desire to detach. So, parents: Your teen's life must move forward. Teens have their unique sought-after ideas, programs, and plans. Get out of their way. Encourage them to use a journal during this often confusing and turbulent time. Journaling is an invaluable tool to take along on their journey.
1. A journal can help you make sense out of what is going on in your life. As you write down your feelings, you get them out, and start to clarify what they mean. It’s cathartic. A journal offers a safe place to feel and think about what’s happening.
2. Journals are a good record of your life, too. They detail what you did when you were younger. They can help kids remember what they were like at a certain period or time. Journals preserve the story of your life.
3. Journals provide a place to imagine, dream and explore thoughts. You can write in your journal to imagine possible solutions to difficult problems, consider the positive and negatives of the ideas you come up with, and figure out solutions to conflict situations. You can write in your journal to set goals and imagine future accomplishments. Think of something that you would like to happen to you, and use your journal as a first step to make it occur. As you write about it, you are rehearsing the idea, and using your journal to imagine a way into it.
Practical Tips:
Select a journal that you love to hold.
Choose one that you can easily carry around with you.
Write regularly. Develop a habit of writing in it. Be consistent, but not obsessive.
To get going, just start writing!
And parents, don’t forget the larger picture:
(1) "The Sacred Flight" is the life journey every child takes through adolescence into adulthood. Teens are discovering their adult self during these difficult years. They need to learn whom they are inside and become strong, independent, and responsible. A journal can be a source of discovery, comfort, and exploration.
(2) It is difficult for parents to truly "let go" of their teen. For the first twelve years or so, they have been connecting with their children, and now they must love and let go simultaneously. To love, parents will have to somehow hang in there for them. To let go, parents can keep reminding themselves: "This is not about me." This may be the hardest thing they've ever done as a parent. A journal can help teens sort through their complex thoughts and get their feelings out.
(3) A teen is detaching now. This is a natural part of the process of family life. The need to detach is so great that a teen may not even talk to a parent for long periods of time. A teen may avoid a parent altogether. In fact, much of the bizarre behavior can be explained with an eye on this desire to detach. So, parents: Your teen's life must move forward. Teens have their unique sought-after ideas, programs, and plans. Get out of their way. Encourage them to use a journal during this often confusing and turbulent time. Journaling is an invaluable tool to take along on their journey.
Friday, March 16, 2007
What is a Teen Advocate?
Parent Question: On a personal note, what made you, Susan, decide to become a "teen advocate"? And what exactly does that title mean?
A teen advocate is someone who is supportive of teens and goes to bat for them. First and foremost, it is someone who understands them -- their needs, inclinations, and ways of thinking, and then, because of this knowledge, is able to help teens discover their voice. Too many adults, including some parents and teachers, shut teens down and out! An advocate is someone who has gotten to deeply know them, and sees the importance of helping teens develop their strengths, become independent, and grow into responsible adults.
I initially became a "teen advocate" through my research for my doctorate degree. I spent one whole year, acting like a cultural anthropologist, inside three teen groups: a church group, a local YMCA group, and a drop-in hangout center. I also interviewed nearly 200 teens and their adult advisors within the three youth groups during this time. I did not find alienated, dissatisfied, and unhappy teens. Rather, in each of the three groups, teens felt strong connections towards each other. In a sense, they had created their own "families." I became a "teen advocate" because I got to deeply know teens through this research. I wanted to help them identify the positive things about themselves. Knowing and feeling good about 'who you are' is the foundation for all other learning.
After my research project was completed, I continued working with teens. I took teen groups on leadership building retreats, and organized inter-school workshops to teach teens responsibility-taking and social skills. Then, for twelve years, I planned and led leadership workshops devoted to helping college teens sort through their values and future directions and build self-reliance. Self-reliant teens can identify their strengths and list their resources.
Taken together, these experiences led me to become a teen advocate.
A teen advocate is someone who is supportive of teens and goes to bat for them. First and foremost, it is someone who understands them -- their needs, inclinations, and ways of thinking, and then, because of this knowledge, is able to help teens discover their voice. Too many adults, including some parents and teachers, shut teens down and out! An advocate is someone who has gotten to deeply know them, and sees the importance of helping teens develop their strengths, become independent, and grow into responsible adults.
I initially became a "teen advocate" through my research for my doctorate degree. I spent one whole year, acting like a cultural anthropologist, inside three teen groups: a church group, a local YMCA group, and a drop-in hangout center. I also interviewed nearly 200 teens and their adult advisors within the three youth groups during this time. I did not find alienated, dissatisfied, and unhappy teens. Rather, in each of the three groups, teens felt strong connections towards each other. In a sense, they had created their own "families." I became a "teen advocate" because I got to deeply know teens through this research. I wanted to help them identify the positive things about themselves. Knowing and feeling good about 'who you are' is the foundation for all other learning.
After my research project was completed, I continued working with teens. I took teen groups on leadership building retreats, and organized inter-school workshops to teach teens responsibility-taking and social skills. Then, for twelve years, I planned and led leadership workshops devoted to helping college teens sort through their values and future directions and build self-reliance. Self-reliant teens can identify their strengths and list their resources.
Taken together, these experiences led me to become a teen advocate.
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