Nurturing the Spirit of Giving

1. There is an old Indian proverb that says: "Everything that is not given is forever lost." When we help kids find ways to be of service to their friends, family, school, and the larger community, we help them see the value of dedicating a portion of their lives to a larger purpose. Let's show them that they can make a significant difference—in themselves and in the world. Acts of kindness and service always bless the giver as well as the receiver. And they are never lost.

2. On the home front, show kindness to your spouse and each family member. Insist that siblings treat each other with kindness too. You may want to talk together—when the time is just right—about the importance of kindness and what it looks like. It can be as simple as "Hi!," a smile, or "How are you feeling?" Discuss with your child/teen what it means to be kind. Look for ways to show kindness to another person who may be especially needy—a friend, a neighbor, or sick or elderly person—then take your child along as you carry them out. Talk to your kids about their classmates. Is there anyone who needs a kind thought or act? How about the child/teen who is "different"? How about the classmate who is mean? Even if one doesn't feel like being kind, there is value in doing it anyway—because the kind act itself can change the feeling that follows. Help your child/teen see that kindness can make all the difference in someone's life, yet it's so easy to do!

3. A legacy of giving and service can begin now. A giving mindset says: let me try to make the world more beautiful. It can be as simple as walking someone across a busy street, or helping a friend study for an exam—or as difficult as speaking one's mind and conscience on a controversial topic, or spearheading a campaign to offer a regular breakfast and shelter to the homeless in one's neighborhood.

4. Children/teens can give of their work, energy, time, and support. Many schools now have community service as part of their curriculum. These programs are important because they expose children and teens to the importance of giving to others within the community. Examples include: assisting in soup kitchens, reading to the blind, volunteering in hospitals, helping with physical rehabilitation needs, and tutoring younger kids with their homework. We can spread the spirit of giving through our own example. We can take kids out on community service field trips, and encourage community service programs in schools that don't have them.

5. I know of one remarkable service effort that was identified and defined by the tweens themselves. They called their group "Flowers on Friday." These thirteen-year-olds met frequently on Friday after school to bring flowers to people who were sick or needy. They purchased the flowers themselves at the local florist. One Friday, they visited the local hospital cancer wing and brought flowers to its patients. On another Friday, they gave their flowers to people on the street who looked as though they really needed something special in their lives right then. One woman they hand-picked for this reason said the last time she received a gift of flowers was over thirty years ago.

Bottom line: Parents can nurture an interest in giving and reaching out to others. Acts of service and kindness free us and our children from self-imposed me-focused lives by widening our circles of compassion. Encourage your children to practice acts of kindness and to reach out to serve others. The spirit of giving transforms both the receiver and the giver.

Teens and Internships

With many teens heading off to find internships this summer, some useful tips are discussed in the following article by Beth Harpaz, Associated Press writer.

NEW YORK (AP) _ Internships have become essential to building resumes and careers, and with today's parents doing more than ever for their kids, it's not unusual to find them giving advice, helping kids network and even paying for career coaching and internship placement.

¶ Not everyone thinks that's a good idea. Susan Smith Kuczmarski, who has three sons, the youngest in college, says she and her husband "have never used our Rolodex" to help their kids find jobs.

¶ "They shouldn't have the viewpoint that mom and dad are going to help them," said Kuczmarski, author of "The Sacred Flight of the Teenager: A Parent's Guide to Stepping Back and Letting Go." "They should find the job on their own, just like the whole world does. It's fine to coach them about the interview, but they have to take the lead in the whole process."

Check out the other useful tips to help your teen secure an internship at: http://www.wral.com/lifestyles/story/7540453/

Family Laughter and the Humor Tool

1. Laughing with your kids is essential. Use the everyday experiences to increase the laughter in your family. A sense of humor is key to survival. If nothing else comes to mind—just laugh.
I look at my fifteen-year-old son, John, as he kindly carries bags and bags of groceries and packages out of our car, and I say, “I love you more than a bunch of bananas!” We laugh. He’s still feeling the heavy load, so I add, “I love you more than two dozen oranges.” Laughter is a powerful emotion adjuster. It lightens, soothes, even dissolves difficult feelings. It feels so good once you start that it’s hard to stop. What’s really fun is to keep it going for extended periods of time. These “laugh-ins” can be just as emotionally powerful as hugs. Do them now, because when your children get into their teen years, they will think you’re crazy if you haven’t conditioned them to it.

2. A report came out that said: “Children, on average, laugh about 400 times a day. Adults only about 15 times. Scientists who study humor want to know why 385 laughs disappear.” To young children, most everything is humorous. They don’t discriminate. Our eight-year-old laughs at so much that it’s easier to note the things he doesn’t laugh at!

3. These same laugh researchers also noted the medical benefits of laughter. Giggles relieve stress, control pain, lower blood pressure, provide an aerobic workout for the diaphragm, improve the body’s ability to utilize oxygen, and maximize the flow of disease-fighting proteins and cells to the blood. For health reasons, it sounds like adults need giggles more than children. Laughter strengthens the insides, physically, and emotionally. Telling jokes and doing funny things should be encouraged by everyone. The insides need these emotional releases, and it appears that daily doses of giggles are best learned from children.

4. There are funny stories in all families. There is humor even in those child behaviors that drive you crazy! Let me share a one from our homefront. Our oldest son John walks through the house and jumps up to touch the top of every door opening. This behavior coincided with his interest in basketball. If you’ve seen the movie Jurassic Park, you will recall the scene where the enormous T-Rex dinosaur is not seen yet but can be heard—THUMP, THUMP, THUMP—and felt. The earth shakes. John is T-Rex easily a dozen times a day. If I can recall the picture in my mind of the movie scene and use humor, I’m better off than if I ask him to stop jumping, which I admit I say occasionally at the end of the day.

Bottom line: A sense of humor is essential—use it!

Teaching Teens Safe Driving Habits

Useful strategies for instilling safe driving habits in teens:

(1) The best way to teach teens how to drive is to show them how to really SEE the road. Driving is a visual skill. Since we drive every day, we aren't aware of our own visual skills and discipline. For example, as I drive down the familiar residential street where we live, I constantly look ahead to check traffic, take note of any cars pulling away from their side parking spots, watch for any pedestrians who might cut across my path from both sidewalks, and then check for pedestrians who could be on the crosswalk at the approaching stop sign. I frequently check my rear view mirror for activity behind me. And I always look for fast-moving rollerbladers, bicyclists, and pets that might suddenly cross my path. In sharp contrast, a teenager drives down a street, focused on holding the steering wheel straight, accelerating and braking smoothly, and appearing cool! Compared to an experienced driver, their visual discipline and skill are extremely underdeveloped.

(2) The task at hand then is to focus on the eyes in teaching your teen to drive. Say right out loud what you see as you drive and what you do to drive safely. At first, this narrative may feel strange, because you are talking about what you do automatically every time you sit behind the wheel. You may be surprised at how much seeing and doing actually occurs when you drive. For example, to turn left at a stop sign, say aloud: "Signal a left turn about one hundred feet before the intersection; start slowing down; stop completely in back of the limit line; look both directions for traffic; check for pedestrians who have the right of way; look ahead at the vehicle travel path; and, before entering the intersection, look again in both directions for moving vehicles; now slowly enter and turn onto the street."

(3) As you take time to describe each visual check, ask your teen to note the important role this plays in safe driving. The driver's eyes are active. This is a valuable lesson. Active eyes, coupled with lots of documenting and describing the driver's movements, lead to good teaching and good driving!

(4) Next, ask your teen to talk out loud as you drive, narrating what a good driver should be seeing and doing to drive safely. Listen as your teen describes your driving. Check for any omitted steps. Give feedback—especially positive, encouraging comments. When a teen can describe your good driving habits as you drive, you'll know that he is ready to get behind the wheel.

(5) Now have him narrate as he drives. Again, listen and check to see if he has missed anything. Give feedback on both seeing and driving. If you approach it this way, he's going to know how to drive, all the way through his body. (Personal note: I mentioned this to my fifteen-year-old son James: "Driving has to be in your body." He looked at me with puzzlement and said, "I don't get it. What do you mean?" I replied, "It's sort of like your Swing dancing. You have to know the steps so well that when you hear the music, the steps are second nature, and you don't even have to think about them.") Driving is the same way. The steps should become second nature so that you don't even have to think about them anymore.

End Result: As parents, our goal is to help young drivers achieve this body "knowingness" when it comes to driving—-to help counterbalance the wild, impulsive style typical of most teens. When the body knows deeply how to drive, a teen can drive safely—-and it can save lives.

So here's the key: Prepare your teen to drive so his "knowing" behind the wheel is deep in his body. The roads will be a lot safer, and you will rest with greater ease as well.

What Parents Need to Know About Teens Making Friends in New Situations

First, let's set things straight: Teens value friends before anything else, including parents! Peer relationships are everything. Friends are all-important. They replace the family, in some ways, as the place where daily relationships are played out, where meaningful interactions occur--the back-and-forth working through of ideas and events.

Second, parents need to have greater sensitivity to how much work it is for teens to join groups. Let's take a close-up look. As a newcomer, a teen must establish his or herself to get accepted. This is not easy. Entrance can be negotiated through friends, relatives (e.g., brothers, sisters, and even cousins), and someone you are dating, if they are accepted. After the dating period is over, however, the teen has to maintain the membership independently.

Third, if teens don't know someone in the group, they can gain acceptance by hanging around for a period of time, getting to know some of the members, and becoming involved with, and accepted by, the other teens. Although accepted, this does not mean the other teens will quickly include them in what is happening socially at all times. Most likely, the doors will remain closed for a while, and they will have to find out about social events on their own. Regular members, however, are naturally "in on," or told about, parties or social gatherings.

Fourth, I know of one group where the process of acceptance into the group involved some intricate bartering. To be accepted, there had to be a sense of give and take—the new person had to first do something for the regulars; then they would do something for him. At first, it was more important to be someone they could hit up for money, cigarettes, pop, or a favor. It was also important to be cooperative and get along and not judge the group. The new person had to accept the group before its members accepted him into it.

Fifth, when a new teen comes into a teen group, there are certain things that other teens will communicate to him about the group. Older members or leaders will make very clear to the newcomer just what is and is not appropriate behavior. These peer leaders will even reprimand other teens when they do something unacceptable. These leaders help maintain the group in this way.

Bottom line: Know that becoming a member of a teen group is very difficult and time consuming, and offer loving help and encouragement at every turn. And by the way, never try to join your teen's group yourself!

Talking to Teens About Sex

1. The topic of sex is very much on the mind of most teens. Don't think they aren't interested in talking about it. The most important thing you can do is talk. Start early. Get information in early. When they are eleven or twelve, begin talking. It's more important that you talk than what you talk about at this age, although topics should be simple and age appropriate.

2. This establishes openness between you and your teen on sex-related issues. You want your teen to feel comfortable coming to you to talk later, and the best way to ensure this future dialogue is to initiate it early yourself. Let them know you welcome, are comfortable with, and like to talk about sex-related topics. Try to be nonjudgmental and open to their viewpoints, especially if they are trying out some new ideas or feelings on you. Honor their emotions and be willing to work through differences.

3. If you're not comfortable talking about sex—fake it. Comfort will grow with frequency. Ideally, if you started talking when they were younger, you'll be more comfortable talking as your child enters the teen years. If you didn't, there is no time like right now. So just start. Then, visit and revisit topics frequently.

4. Your goal is to establish open dialogue on the subject along with regular check-ins: "What are you thinking these days about sex before marriage, birth control, and AIDS prevention?" These are appropriate questions to ask your fifteen-year-old, if you've had conversations in the past.

5. As a general rule: keep topics surfacing—frequently, lightly, and with openness. You'll find that your teen needs these conversations. They're on his or her mind now, and it's likely that not too many adults initiate discussion. Be sure to share your ideas and views on love, relationships, marriage—and even passion—with your teen.

Bottom line: Create an open dialogue between you and your teen to talk about love, passion, sex, and relationships.

Teenagers and Sleep

Parent Question: What are the sleep needs of high school age teens? How much is enough?

Teens need from 8 1/2 and 9 1/4 hours of sleep each night. Most adolescents DO NOT get enough sleep – one report found that only 15% reported sleeping 8 1/2 hours on school nights.

What are the side effects of lack of sleep?

Teens tend to have irregular sleep patterns across the week – they typically stay up late and sleep in late on weekends. This irregularity affects their biological clocks and hurts the quality of their sleep. Some side effects include: Limits ability to learn, listen, concentrate and solve problems; Contributes to acne and other skin problems; Leads to inappropriate or aggressive behavior (e.g. yelling, impatience with family members and teachers); Eat unhealthy foods (e.g. sweets, fried foods) that lead to weight gain; Performs poorly in sports (e.g. reduced endurance and cardiovascular performance, delayed visual and auditory reaction time).

How do school schedules conspire against them getting enough sleep?

Schools ask teens to sleep at the wrong times. A teen’s biological clock is in conflict with the school bell. Too many teens come to high school too sleepy to learn. A few schools have become “sleep-smart” by setting later bell times. They’ve found that students do not go to bed later, but get one hour more of sleep per school night, which means five hours more per week. Parents and teachers contend that starting school later improves student morale and attitudes. Students report that they feel ready to learn when they get to school in the morning.

What are some pointers for parents?

1. Be a good role model. Practice good sleep hygiene yourself.
2. Enforce regular sleep schedules for all children and teens. Establish a quiet relaxing time in the evening before bedtime when music and television are not permitted.
3. Talk with your kids about their sleep/wake schedules. Assess time in extracurricular activities and outsides jobs, and make adjustments, if appropriate.
4. Consider having each teen keep a sleep diary for 1 or 2 weeks. Review it for poor sleep hygiene, and make an effort to change patterns, if necessary.
5. During vacations, help your teen adjust for a smooth transition to the upcoming school schedule. Go to sleep and awaken 15 minutes earlier each day until teen reaches desired sleep and wake times.
6. Always be on the look out for signs of sleep deprivation—difficulty waking in the morning, falling asleep during quiet times in the day, irritability in late day, and sleeping super-long on weekends.
7. Avoid use of caffeine and other substances that can affect sleep.

The Argumentative Teen

Parent Question: Why are teens so argumentative?

(1) They are busy practicing a new way of
thinking. (Jean Piaget called it "formal operational thought.") Between 11
and 16 years of age, teens develop the ability to solve problems WITHOUT the
concrete, action-oriented experiences of a child. Teens are forming theories
about everything—and testing them out. They make assumptions, consider
hypotheses, and work out the inferences that follow. This abstract thinking
is actually very difficult to master. So, teens argue constantly to practice
their abstract thought processes.

(2) Most parents are threatened by their arguing teen. I know of one dad
who threatened to put his "rude and argumentative" daughter into juvenile
hall because of it! She was a totally good kid with straight A's, piano
recitals, drama club—the whole bit. If he'd understood that she was
struggling to learn abstract thought and logic, perhaps lively debates would
have taken the place of rejection and heartbreak on their home front.

(3) What can parents do to actively support their teen's abstract thinking?
Why not go with the flow and nurture this new development? Encourage your
teen's efforts to define his or her world view through abstraction and
reflection, questions, and experimentation. Don't rush in with answers.
And don't automatically go on the war path when a teenager questions your
most deeply held values or assumptions about life. Let teens have the
opportunity to make intellectual choices for themselves. Organize your home
environment to allow for formal abstract thinking.

How can parents cope?
1. Why not create a think tank that is rich, both socially and
intellectually! Let your teen interact with and bring in other people’s viewpoints.
Exposure to different types of people and thought can be very
positive now. Different role models should be made available too.

2. Dig out some of your old college books on logic. Reread Aristotle and
Socrates. Introduce them to your teen. (Wow! They'll think you're "far
out.")

3. You might even set up and engage in formal debates. (This would have the
added benefit of teaching all of you the rules for "fighting fair" when you
disagree.) Remember: the goal is to increase the capacity to think—for
teens and parents alike. So, use this time to reexamine some of your own
ideas and clean up any of your own thought processes that may have grown
stuck, rusty, or sloppy over time. The timing is perfect to support your
teen's cognitive growth—and your own.

Remember: This argumentative phase is related to your teen's
struggle to learn abstract thought and logic. Try to nurture, support, and
even enjoy this development, rather than feel annoyed or threatened by it.

KEEPING A JOURNAL DURING THE TEEN YEARS

There are 3 reasons why journaling is beneficial to teens:

1. A journal can help you make sense out of what is going on in your life. As you write down your feelings, you get them out, and start to clarify what they mean. It’s cathartic. A journal offers a safe place to feel and think about what’s happening.
2. Journals are a good record of your life, too. They detail what you did when you were younger. They can help kids remember what they were like at a certain period or time. Journals preserve the story of your life.
3. Journals provide a place to imagine, dream and explore thoughts. You can write in your journal to imagine possible solutions to difficult problems, consider the positive and negatives of the ideas you come up with, and figure out solutions to conflict situations. You can write in your journal to set goals and imagine future accomplishments. Think of something that you would like to happen to you, and use your journal as a first step to make it occur. As you write about it, you are rehearsing the idea, and using your journal to imagine a way into it.

Practical Tips:

Select a journal that you love to hold.
Choose one that you can easily carry around with you.
Write regularly. Develop a habit of writing in it. Be consistent, but not obsessive.
To get going, just start writing!


And parents, don’t forget the larger picture:

(1) "The Sacred Flight" is the life journey every child takes through adolescence into adulthood. Teens are discovering their adult self during these difficult years. They need to learn whom they are inside and become strong, independent, and responsible. A journal can be a source of discovery, comfort, and exploration.

(2) It is difficult for parents to truly "let go" of their teen. For the first twelve years or so, they have been connecting with their children, and now they must love and let go simultaneously. To love, parents will have to somehow hang in there for them. To let go, parents can keep reminding themselves: "This is not about me." This may be the hardest thing they've ever done as a parent. A journal can help teens sort through their complex thoughts and get their feelings out.

(3) A teen is detaching now. This is a natural part of the process of family life. The need to detach is so great that a teen may not even talk to a parent for long periods of time. A teen may avoid a parent altogether. In fact, much of the bizarre behavior can be explained with an eye on this desire to detach. So, parents: Your teen's life must move forward. Teens have their unique sought-after ideas, programs, and plans. Get out of their way. Encourage them to use a journal during this often confusing and turbulent time. Journaling is an invaluable tool to take along on their journey.