Curfews for Teens

Curfews are important because they set up reasonable boundaries to protect your family culture. But know that teens hate fixed, out-of-date, and inhuman rules with a passion. (Have you noticed?) They want to be involved in the process of establishing them. So sit down with your teens and work together on a list of specific rules for your household. Give them the opportunity to come up with ideas, add to the list, and comment on anything related to each of the rules. Here are a few simple rules for putting curfews in place.
(1) Involve your teens in setting their nighttime boundaries. Reach an agreement together as to a curfew time that is age-appropriate for each teen. COMPROMISE, if necessary. At 14, you may want her home at 11:00pm. She wants 11:30pm. Reach a middle point and agree on it -- say 11:15pm. Or if she has good reasons for 11:30pm, go with it. You don't always have to be the "winner."
As your teen gets older, the arrival hour is negotiated toward an increasingly later time. For example, at 16, it may be 12:30am. The important point is that you reach an agreement together as to this time, and discuss the consequences of breaking the curfew time, too.
(2) Communicate clearly what the agreed upon times are, through written and verbal reinforcements. This means, post it on the refrigerator and reinforce with a verbal reminder like "Look forward to seeing you around eleven tonight."
(3) Execute the consequences of broken roles. When she is late, give her the freedom and opportunity to comment and explain. May be there were unplanned events, like a flat tire, or a surprise party. Try to find a solution to the problem together.
(4) If a teen still breaks the curfew rule, let the agreed-upon consequences fall into place. Since you and your teen have already discussed these consequences and set them up together (e.g. take away car keys, remove home privileges, like TV use, etc.) you are not forced into the position of playing the "heavy" or "bad guy."
(5) If your teen has missed curfew because drinking or drugs were involved, then the consequences are more serious. Simply enact these more serious consequences that you and your teen set up together.

KEEPING A JOURNAL DURING THE TEEN YEARS

There are 3 reasons why journaling is beneficial to teens:

1. A journal can help you make sense out of what is going on in your life. As you write down your feelings, you get them out, and start to clarify what they mean. It’s cathartic. A journal offers a safe place to feel and think about what’s happening.
2. Journals are a good record of your life, too. They detail what you did when you were younger. They can help kids remember what they were like at a certain period or time. Journals preserve the story of your life.
3. Journals provide a place to imagine, dream and explore thoughts. You can write in your journal to imagine possible solutions to difficult problems, consider the positive and negatives of the ideas you come up with, and figure out solutions to conflict situations. You can write in your journal to set goals and imagine future accomplishments. Think of something that you would like to happen to you, and use your journal as a first step to make it occur. As you write about it, you are rehearsing the idea, and using your journal to imagine a way into it.

Practical Tips:

Select a journal that you love to hold.
Choose one that you can easily carry around with you.
Write regularly. Develop a habit of writing in it. Be consistent, but not obsessive.
To get going, just start writing!


And parents, don’t forget the larger picture:

(1) "The Sacred Flight" is the life journey every child takes through adolescence into adulthood. Teens are discovering their adult self during these difficult years. They need to learn whom they are inside and become strong, independent, and responsible. A journal can be a source of discovery, comfort, and exploration.

(2) It is difficult for parents to truly "let go" of their teen. For the first twelve years or so, they have been connecting with their children, and now they must love and let go simultaneously. To love, parents will have to somehow hang in there for them. To let go, parents can keep reminding themselves: "This is not about me." This may be the hardest thing they've ever done as a parent. A journal can help teens sort through their complex thoughts and get their feelings out.

(3) A teen is detaching now. This is a natural part of the process of family life. The need to detach is so great that a teen may not even talk to a parent for long periods of time. A teen may avoid a parent altogether. In fact, much of the bizarre behavior can be explained with an eye on this desire to detach. So, parents: Your teen's life must move forward. Teens have their unique sought-after ideas, programs, and plans. Get out of their way. Encourage them to use a journal during this often confusing and turbulent time. Journaling is an invaluable tool to take along on their journey.