Pushing Kids to Take Leadership Roles

Question: Both my kids have leadership skills but now, as teens, they hold back because they are self-conscious. Will they outgrow this stage? Or should I push them to take leadership roles?

Sometimes we can help most by doing nothing -- or very little. If parents just charge in without thinking, fireworks can erupt and shoot dangerously off course before anyone even knows what's happened. More times than I'd like to admit, I have made the mistake of stepping forward, getting involved, talking too much and expressing what I thought was the best approach -- only to wish later that I'd just kept my mouth shut. Beware of over-involvement. Try smiles an humor instead. Try to relate to your teen with more objectivity and lightheartedness. Step back. See what happens if you wait a bit. Or engage in a dialogue on personal values.

Teens have their own unique values, and it is very important to let them surface. It might be helpful to have your teen write down his values. Write yours down too. And share them with each other. A note of extreme caution: Don't try to impose your values onto your teen! Teens must discover, identify, and own their values -- and not simply replicate yours. A few guidelines for parents: Recognize the strengths of your teen's values, support the values cited by your teen, and encourage open discussions on the topic of values. You may discover that taking a leadership role is not important to your teen!

Sparking Creativity in Teens

Parent Question: My teenage daughter says that school is boring. She was very creative as a little kid. What are some ideas for sparking that creativity again?

Parents must know that there are different kinds of intelligence. Math, science, and english classes measure intelligence with numbers and words. They reflect a traditional definition of ability. The truth is that all kids are smart -- they just express their intelligence in varied and magical ways. Parents must first learn what kinds of intelligence their kids have in order to nurture and strengthen them. When you've discovered what they are, help your teen find activities, at school or within the community, that develop them. Here are 5 different areas: 1. musical (sing, compose and read songs), 2. interpersonal or social (enjoy groups, perceive motivations, display empathy), 3. spatial (take things apart. work visually with paints, design, light or architectural drawings), 4. intrapersonal (deeply aware of one's thoughts and feelings and talk about experiences), and 5. bodily-kinesthetic (coordinate fine and gross motor movements -- dance, sports, etc). Parents, remember to broaden your definition of intelligence. In doing so, you free a teen and spark creativity again.

What life lessons do teens teach adults?

Adults are so fixed on keeping the same course. Teens teach us that experimentation and exploration are good, and that life's detours can lead us to discover hidden treasures. During his teen years, my oldest son loved change. Because of this mindset, he got me to think that change was good, too. (Note: Opening your arms to change, does not mean you have to let go of your values.) And I discovered that many teen interests are worth their weight in gold: exploring, expressing emotion, validating feelings, discovering new friends, and pursuing freedom. And at all times, my teen reminds me that humor is key to living. Think of something that at first appears negative and try to see the humor in it. Even poke fun at yourself. Recall and share it with another parent. Don' leave humor and merriment to the comedians. Life with teens is too tumultuous for that. Balance all that angst and intensity with the power of laughter.

Teens and Work

Jobs let teens experience the world of work. Even if the work is hard and boring at times, it is work. This in itself is an important lesson: Work is work. If you stick with it, the rewards are enough money to buy something you want, whether a T.V. or saving for college. Probably the most difficult part of work, for teens, is missing the social or "play time" with other teens.
I think work is good for teens, especially summer work. Jobs during the school year should have reduced hours, no more than ten to fifteen hours weekly, so they don't interfere with school. It's important for teens to find their job by themselves. If a parent stays out of it, teens learn the difficulty of finding a job -- an important discovery. Another is the experience of someone else serving as the boss, other than a familiar parent or teacher, to whom your teen must report and also be evaluated by at regular intervals.
Seeing how much money he or she can make, and what one can possibly do with this amount is critical to understanding value, expenses, savings, and profit. For example, if a teen works all day helping out in an office, then he can measure just how much work was required to earn that money. It gives him a feel for the hard work required, compared to the buying power of the money that was earned.
Finally, there are numerous other lessons that teens have shared with me: "I don't think I can do work that is boring day after day." Or, "I want work that brings me in contact with people, not machinery." Or, "I don't care what work I do as long as I don't bring it home." Or, "I want professional work where I am treated with respect." The bottom line: let a teen try his hand at working!

Graduating Seniors

Parents attempt to use a strong disciplinary approach with their teens, often with frustrating results. This "old school" approach doesn't work with older teens because they want freedom more than anything else. It is their top value (along with friends and a focus on themselves).
Family systems can be closed or open. In a closed system, teens are given orders, threats, and warnings by their parents. In a totally open family, teens are allowed to do what they want, and parents often throw up their hands when the going gets tough. The first approach puts teens on a short leash, while the second puts them on one that is too long.
The ideal system is somewhere in between. Teens need enough direction and control to guide them, yet enough room to let them breathe, learn, and discover. There must to be a balance between structure and flexibility.
To sum up, a strong disciplinary approach overlooks the need for growth and exploration during the teen years, especially those who have just graduated from high school. So, let out the leash some, and watch what happens. You might even enjoy it too.

Balance

How do parents remain balanced while watching their teen take flight?

(1) Keep your feet on the ground. Connect with nature. It may be your best antidote to the wild, risk-taking teen. I take daily walks around a nearby pond. It nourishes my senses and give me balance.

(2) Be patient. Take things slowly. Fruit that is harvested too soon is bitter and hard, but given the opportunity to ripen, its inborn sweetness emerges. Your teen is likewise ripening and maturing. Don't hurry the process. Surrender to this time. Relax and try to have fun with your teen. If you make a mistake, learn from it.

(3) Protect yourself. As parents, sometimes it's best to withdraw into our shells and wait out the siege. Later, we can take action to prevent it from happening again.

(4) Rest. The passage to adulthood is arduous for your teen -- and fatiguing for you. Rest is essential for parents. Step out of the way and refocus on yourself. Take breaks, even vacations, from your teens.

(5) Let the lessons of tai chi inform your parenting! Lead by letting teens follow their own nature and be their own guides. Step back and allow negative force to pass by you, then return love. Conserve your energy for when you really need it.

Do You Know Your Teen?

Are you up-to-date on your kid's life? Take this quiz by my colleague and friend, Camille Noe Pagan, of Lifetime Television for Women, and see.

Camille begins her quiz: "You know your teen loves listening to Kelly Clarkson, won't touch broccoli and could stand to pull better grades at school. But when it comes to really knowing her, there's a whole lot more you need to have a handle on..."

Click on or cut and paste the link below to take her must-do quiz. You will find out how much you know about your teen (or tween), and discover the easy ways you can learn more. "Teenagers want a good relationship with their parents but don't always know how to initiate one -- which is why it's up to you to get the ball rolling." http://www.lifetimetv.com/reallife/relation/quiz/rel_quiz_knowyourteen.html

Young Love

Young adolescents are blown over by the power of first love. "I never realized how strong love is," one teen that I interviewed told me. She continued, "It can't go away. I've had it for eight months now, and I know I have to let go and move on. It's so hard. It's as strong as the love I have for my family." These are complex emotions for anyone, but a teen is experiencing them for the first time. While it sounds simple, parents of teens can be guided by the knowledge that love is powerful. It can explain a teen's behavior when nothing else does. Romantic love is so all-consuming that a teen may think she has to set aside her love for family because she doesn't have enough love for both. Parents and siblings can feel this exclusion. She's sorting through her emotions now.

Tips: Create an open dialogue between you and your teen to talk about love, passion, sex, and relationships. Keep topics surfacing—frequently, lightly, and with openness. You'll find that your teen needs these conversations. They're on his or her mind now, and it's likely that not too many adults initiate discussion. Be sure to share your own ideas and views on love, relationships, marriage—and even passion—with your teen.

The Do's and Don'ts of Parenting a Teenager

Most teens I interviewed (approximately 150) told me that their parents didn't really know them. These teens wanted to be recognized and loved for "who I am inside." Instead, parents get hung up on physical appearance -- if teens have a pierced earring or pink hair or strange clothing -- and miss the inner essence of their teens. As one mother said, "we're not paying attention to who they are inside. And that's what they want more than anything."
How do you get to know who your teen really is? Parents can follow my "do's and don'ts":

The Do's of Parenting a Teenager
(1) Behave, talk, and act differently than when your teen was a child.
(2) Listen, observe and don't "talk at."
(3) Help teens let their feelings out--validate & don't try to change them.
(4) Give teens a role in setting-up rules and let them experience mistakes.
(5) Learn to compromise.

The Don'ts of Parenting a Teenager
(1) Stop the questions, the demands and the inflexible rules.
(2) Stop criticizing, scolding and grounding.
(3) Don't give teens unsolicited advice -- EVER
(4) Don't schedule meetings with teens -- talk with them on their terms.

Video Cameras and Family History

If you don’t have one already, buy an inexpensive, easy-to-use video camera. Or rent one; I did for our family’s first few video recordings. For sure, video cameras last a long time. I still have the one that I bought twenty years ago. Trust me, it will be one of your wisest family investments. At the very least, pick up a camera. Why? Movies and photos become the visual memories of your family. They detail ‘who you are’ at a point in time. But don’t just use them for special occasions. Catch the everyday moments of your day – especially your play and interaction together.

Our oldest son, John, who is twenty-two now, recently took all of our home movies and pieced different shots into various themes (like birthday parties, visits to grandparents, story telling and play themes) and put them on a DVD for my husband for Father’s Day. We have two such compilations. Each is a fascinating visual display of our family’s history.

Spending time with grandparents is another quick and easy way to experience family history. Grandma and grandpa have all the stories and memories stored right there for us to enjoy. Hang out with them to catch the colorful details about your family culture, traditions, and relationships. Better yet, use your video camera to record their stories and their images for years to come.