Sacred Flight

Nurturing the Spirit of Giving

2010-12-13T11:15:00.003-06:00

1. There is an old Indian proverb that says: "Everything that is not given is forever lost." When we help kids find ways to be of service to their friends, family, school, and the larger community, we help them see the value of dedicating a portion of their lives to a larger purpose. Let's show them that they can make a significant difference—in themselves and in the world. Acts of kindness and service always bless the giver as well as the receiver. And they are never lost.

2. On the home front, show kindness to your spouse and each family member. Insist that siblings treat each other with kindness too. You may want to talk together—when the time is just right—about the importance of kindness and what it looks like. It can be as simple as "Hi!," a smile, or "How are you feeling?" Discuss with your child/teen what it means to be kind. Look for ways to show kindness to another person who may be especially needy—a friend, a neighbor, or sick or elderly person—then take your child along as you carry them out. Talk to your kids about their classmates. Is there anyone who needs a kind thought or act? How about the child/teen who is "different"? How about the classmate who is mean? Even if one doesn't feel like being kind, there is value in doing it anyway—because the kind act itself can change the feeling that follows. Help your child/teen see that kindness can make all the difference in someone's life, yet it's so easy to do!

3. A legacy of giving and service can begin now. A giving mindset says: let me try to make the world more beautiful. It can be as simple as walking someone across a busy street, or helping a friend study for an exam—or as difficult as speaking one's mind and conscience on a controversial topic, or spearheading a campaign to offer a regular breakfast and shelter to the homeless in one's neighborhood.

4. Children/teens can give of their work, energy, time, and support. Many schools now have community service as part of their curriculum. These programs are important because they expose children and teens to the importance of giving to others within the community. Examples include: assisting in soup kitchens, reading to the blind, volunteering in hospitals, helping with physical rehabilitation needs, and tutoring younger kids with their homework. We can spread the spirit of giving through our own example. We can take kids out on community service field trips, and encourage community service programs in schools that don't have them.

5. I know of one remarkable service effort that was identified and defined by the tweens themselves. They called their group "Flowers on Friday." These thirteen-year-olds met frequently on Friday after school to bring flowers to people who were sick or needy. They purchased the flowers themselves at the local florist. One Friday, they visited the local hospital cancer wing and brought flowers to its patients. On another Friday, they gave their flowers to people on the street who looked as though they really needed something special in their lives right then. One woman they hand-picked for this reason said the last time she received a gift of flowers was over thirty years ago.

Bottom line: Parents can nurture an interest in giving and reaching out to others. Acts of service and kindness free us and our children from self-imposed me-focused lives by widening our circles of compassion. Encourage your children to practice acts of kindness and to reach out to serve others. The spirit of giving transforms both the receiver and the giver.

Teens and Internships

2010-05-06T09:33:00.005-05:00

With many teens heading off to find internships this summer, some useful tips are discussed in the following article by Beth Harpaz, Associated Press writer.

NEW YORK (AP) _ Internships have become essential to building resumes and careers, and with today's parents doing more than ever for their kids, it's not unusual to find them giving advice, helping kids network and even paying for career coaching and internship placement.

¶ Not everyone thinks that's a good idea. Susan Smith Kuczmarski, who has three sons, the youngest in college, says she and her husband "have never used our Rolodex" to help their kids find jobs.

¶ "They shouldn't have the viewpoint that mom and dad are going to help them," said Kuczmarski, author of "The Sacred Flight of the Teenager: A Parent's Guide to Stepping Back and Letting Go." "They should find the job on their own, just like the whole world does. It's fine to coach them about the interview, but they have to take the lead in the whole process."

Check out the other useful tips to help your teen secure an internship at: http://www.wral.com/lifestyles/story/7540453/

Family Laughter and the Humor Tool

2008-12-18T22:20:00.000-06:00

1. Laughing with your kids is essential. Use the everyday experiences to increase the laughter in your family. A sense of humor is key to survival. If nothing else comes to mind—just laugh.
I look at my fifteen-year-old son, John, as he kindly carries bags and bags of groceries and packages out of our car, and I say, “I love you more than a bunch of bananas!” We laugh. He’s still feeling the heavy load, so I add, “I love you more than two dozen oranges.” Laughter is a powerful emotion adjuster. It lightens, soothes, even dissolves difficult feelings. It feels so good once you start that it’s hard to stop. What’s really fun is to keep it going for extended periods of time. These “laugh-ins” can be just as emotionally powerful as hugs. Do them now, because when your children get into their teen years, they will think you’re crazy if you haven’t conditioned them to it.

2. A report came out that said: “Children, on average, laugh about 400 times a day. Adults only about 15 times. Scientists who study humor want to know why 385 laughs disappear.” To young children, most everything is humorous. They don’t discriminate. Our eight-year-old laughs at so much that it’s easier to note the things he doesn’t laugh at!

3. These same laugh researchers also noted the medical benefits of laughter. Giggles relieve stress, control pain, lower blood pressure, provide an aerobic workout for the diaphragm, improve the body’s ability to utilize oxygen, and maximize the flow of disease-fighting proteins and cells to the blood. For health reasons, it sounds like adults need giggles more than children. Laughter strengthens the insides, physically, and emotionally. Telling jokes and doing funny things should be encouraged by everyone. The insides need these emotional releases, and it appears that daily doses of giggles are best learned from children.

4. There are funny stories in all families. There is humor even in those child behaviors that drive you crazy! Let me share a one from our homefront. Our oldest son John walks through the house and jumps up to touch the top of every door opening. This behavior coincided with his interest in basketball. If you’ve seen the movie Jurassic Park, you will recall the scene where the enormous T-Rex dinosaur is not seen yet but can be heard—THUMP, THUMP, THUMP—and felt. The earth shakes. John is T-Rex easily a dozen times a day. If I can recall the picture in my mind of the movie scene and use humor, I’m better off than if I ask him to stop jumping, which I admit I say occasionally at the end of the day.

Bottom line: A sense of humor is essential—use it!

Low-Cost Ways to Celebrate the Holidays with Family

2008-12-05T10:46:00.000-06:00

1. The family that plays together, stays together. For many time-crunched families, that variation on a familiar saying rings true. In fact, these days, as the hustle and bustle of holidays continues, carve out time to spend together doing activities that everyone enjoys.
2. Make spending time with each other a priority and strengthening family bonds a concentrated focus. If family togetherness is nurtured, there is a deep, fulfilling sense of belonging. The trick is to let differences within the family flourish. There must also be room for each child's unique and personal ideas and contributions.
3. Holding fun family nights could be just what you need to sit back, relax and enjoy each other’s company. Consider scheduling one night in which your family members play classic board games, such as Jenga, Monopoly or Scrabble. On other nights, introduce some of the newest games available. Or better yet, create your own family trivia game, which provides a great opportunity to get to know more about family members, including your ancestors.
4. Try this blank canvas project or family art night. Simply purchase a large blank canvas at a local art supply store and have each member of the family illustrate or paint on a portion of the canvas. Hang the work of art in a visible location, such as near the kitchen table. Do this every year. Be sure to date it.
5. Try some silly and fun stress-beating tips: Be mischievous. Whether in the country or at the city zoo, moo at the cows and try to get them to "talk" back. Some times cows stare for a very long time, especially if I moo again. Sometimes I get a moo back. This only encourages me further.
7. Hook up with nature -- creatively! Our family has an annual igloo or snowmaking contest. We've discovered that igloos make great and fun places to spend time in and "soak" up the outdoors. Sort of like tree forts in the summer months. Every entrant must receive a prize.
8. Finally, try these winter stress-beaters: Play a wild game of cards with poker chips (or pennies). Everyone has to wear gambling visors. Go to an indoor concert and take a picnic basket along. Don't forget your special blanket. Dance with each other. Sing loudly together. Watch the sun set together. Watch the night sky. The stars and planets are spectacular during the winter months.

Talking to Kids About the Economy

2008-11-10T16:27:00.000-06:00

It is best to try to explain tough economics to kids. Regardless of their age, never frighten them. Try instead to allay their fears. Reduce the family stress by sharing the situation in as much detail that is age appropriate. For example, if a parent has lost his or her job, be honest and straightforward, but never convey panic, which weighs on children tremendously. Younger children need reassurance. Assure them it will get better. For example, if they want to buy a small pet, the time will come when this purchase is possible, but at this point, it is best to wait. It is certainly appropriate for all age groups to say that we're going to have a lean birthday or holiday season this year. Encourage creative gift giving that is from the heart rather than the wallet.
As to teens, share the details of your monthly take home pay, and how you/we are going to make changes in our family purchases. High schoolers can process this information and it will be good for them in the long run as they reach adulthood themselves. And with teens, even tweens, it is opportune to admit a mistake that you made (e.g. too much credit spending in the past, not enough savings, etc.) If debt is too high (i.e. over credit limits), get your teens help in cutting back on spending and expenses. Let them know just why you say "NO!" to any requests on their part for purchases. If teens have this detail, they will more likely understand, and begin to learn cash management strategies for their futures.

Teaching Teens Safe Driving Habits

2008-04-28T13:20:00.000-05:00

Useful strategies for instilling safe driving habits in teens:

(1) The best way to teach teens how to drive is to show them how to really SEE the road. Driving is a visual skill. Since we drive every day, we aren't aware of our own visual skills and discipline. For example, as I drive down the familiar residential street where we live, I constantly look ahead to check traffic, take note of any cars pulling away from their side parking spots, watch for any pedestrians who might cut across my path from both sidewalks, and then check for pedestrians who could be on the crosswalk at the approaching stop sign. I frequently check my rear view mirror for activity behind me. And I always look for fast-moving rollerbladers, bicyclists, and pets that might suddenly cross my path. In sharp contrast, a teenager drives down a street, focused on holding the steering wheel straight, accelerating and braking smoothly, and appearing cool! Compared to an experienced driver, their visual discipline and skill are extremely underdeveloped.

(2) The task at hand then is to focus on the eyes in teaching your teen to drive. Say right out loud what you see as you drive and what you do to drive safely. At first, this narrative may feel strange, because you are talking about what you do automatically every time you sit behind the wheel. You may be surprised at how much seeing and doing actually occurs when you drive. For example, to turn left at a stop sign, say aloud: "Signal a left turn about one hundred feet before the intersection; start slowing down; stop completely in back of the limit line; look both directions for traffic; check for pedestrians who have the right of way; look ahead at the vehicle travel path; and, before entering the intersection, look again in both directions for moving vehicles; now slowly enter and turn onto the street."

(3) As you take time to describe each visual check, ask your teen to note the important role this plays in safe driving. The driver's eyes are active. This is a valuable lesson. Active eyes, coupled with lots of documenting and describing the driver's movements, lead to good teaching and good driving!

(4) Next, ask your teen to talk out loud as you drive, narrating what a good driver should be seeing and doing to drive safely. Listen as your teen describes your driving. Check for any omitted steps. Give feedback—especially positive, encouraging comments. When a teen can describe your good driving habits as you drive, you'll know that he is ready to get behind the wheel.

(5) Now have him narrate as he drives. Again, listen and check to see if he has missed anything. Give feedback on both seeing and driving. If you approach it this way, he's going to know how to drive, all the way through his body. (Personal note: I mentioned this to my fifteen-year-old son James: "Driving has to be in your body." He looked at me with puzzlement and said, "I don't get it. What do you mean?" I replied, "It's sort of like your Swing dancing. You have to know the steps so well that when you hear the music, the steps are second nature, and you don't even have to think about them.") Driving is the same way. The steps should become second nature so that you don't even have to think about them anymore.

End Result: As parents, our goal is to help young drivers achieve this body "knowingness" when it comes to driving—-to help counterbalance the wild, impulsive style typical of most teens. When the body knows deeply how to drive, a teen can drive safely—-and it can save lives.

So here's the key: Prepare your teen to drive so his "knowing" behind the wheel is deep in his body. The roads will be a lot safer, and you will rest with greater ease as well.

What Parents Need to Know About Teens Making Friends in New Situations

2008-03-07T19:17:00.000-06:00

First, let's set things straight: Teens value friends before anything else, including parents! Peer relationships are everything. Friends are all-important. They replace the family, in some ways, as the place where daily relationships are played out, where meaningful interactions occur--the back-and-forth working through of ideas and events.

Second, parents need to have greater sensitivity to how much work it is for teens to join groups. Let's take a close-up look. As a newcomer, a teen must establish his or herself to get accepted. This is not easy. Entrance can be negotiated through friends, relatives (e.g., brothers, sisters, and even cousins), and someone you are dating, if they are accepted. After the dating period is over, however, the teen has to maintain the membership independently.

Third, if teens don't know someone in the group, they can gain acceptance by hanging around for a period of time, getting to know some of the members, and becoming involved with, and accepted by, the other teens. Although accepted, this does not mean the other teens will quickly include them in what is happening socially at all times. Most likely, the doors will remain closed for a while, and they will have to find out about social events on their own. Regular members, however, are naturally "in on," or told about, parties or social gatherings.

Fourth, I know of one group where the process of acceptance into the group involved some intricate bartering. To be accepted, there had to be a sense of give and take—the new person had to first do something for the regulars; then they would do something for him. At first, it was more important to be someone they could hit up for money, cigarettes, pop, or a favor. It was also important to be cooperative and get along and not judge the group. The new person had to accept the group before its members accepted him into it.

Fifth, when a new teen comes into a teen group, there are certain things that other teens will communicate to him about the group. Older members or leaders will make very clear to the newcomer just what is and is not appropriate behavior. These peer leaders will even reprimand other teens when they do something unacceptable. These leaders help maintain the group in this way.

Bottom line: Know that becoming a member of a teen group is very difficult and time consuming, and offer loving help and encouragement at every turn. And by the way, never try to join your teen's group yourself!

Talking to Teens About Sex

2008-01-08T09:15:00.000-06:00

1. The topic of sex is very much on the mind of most teens. Don't think they aren't interested in talking about it. The most important thing you can do is talk. Start early. Get information in early. When they are eleven or twelve, begin talking. It's more important that you talk than what you talk about at this age, although topics should be simple and age appropriate.

2. This establishes openness between you and your teen on sex-related issues. You want your teen to feel comfortable coming to you to talk later, and the best way to ensure this future dialogue is to initiate it early yourself. Let them know you welcome, are comfortable with, and like to talk about sex-related topics. Try to be nonjudgmental and open to their viewpoints, especially if they are trying out some new ideas or feelings on you. Honor their emotions and be willing to work through differences.

3. If you're not comfortable talking about sex—fake it. Comfort will grow with frequency. Ideally, if you started talking when they were younger, you'll be more comfortable talking as your child enters the teen years. If you didn't, there is no time like right now. So just start. Then, visit and revisit topics frequently.

4. Your goal is to establish open dialogue on the subject along with regular check-ins: "What are you thinking these days about sex before marriage, birth control, and AIDS prevention?" These are appropriate questions to ask your fifteen-year-old, if you've had conversations in the past.

5. As a general rule: keep topics surfacing—frequently, lightly, and with openness. You'll find that your teen needs these conversations. They're on his or her mind now, and it's likely that not too many adults initiate discussion. Be sure to share your ideas and views on love, relationships, marriage—and even passion—with your teen.

Bottom line: Create an open dialogue between you and your teen to talk about love, passion, sex, and relationships.

Teenagers and Sleep

2007-12-04T12:04:00.000-06:00

Parent Question: What are the sleep needs of high school age teens? How much is enough?

Teens need from 8 1/2 and 9 1/4 hours of sleep each night. Most adolescents DO NOT get enough sleep – one report found that only 15% reported sleeping 8 1/2 hours on school nights.

What are the side effects of lack of sleep?

Teens tend to have irregular sleep patterns across the week – they typically stay up late and sleep in late on weekends. This irregularity affects their biological clocks and hurts the quality of their sleep. Some side effects include: Limits ability to learn, listen, concentrate and solve problems; Contributes to acne and other skin problems; Leads to inappropriate or aggressive behavior (e.g. yelling, impatience with family members and teachers); Eat unhealthy foods (e.g. sweets, fried foods) that lead to weight gain; Performs poorly in sports (e.g. reduced endurance and cardiovascular performance, delayed visual and auditory reaction time).

How do school schedules conspire against them getting enough sleep?

Schools ask teens to sleep at the wrong times. A teen’s biological clock is in conflict with the school bell. Too many teens come to high school too sleepy to learn. A few schools have become “sleep-smart” by setting later bell times. They’ve found that students do not go to bed later, but get one hour more of sleep per school night, which means five hours more per week. Parents and teachers contend that starting school later improves student morale and attitudes. Students report that they feel ready to learn when they get to school in the morning.

What are some pointers for parents?

1. Be a good role model. Practice good sleep hygiene yourself.
2. Enforce regular sleep schedules for all children and teens. Establish a quiet relaxing time in the evening before bedtime when music and television are not permitted.
3. Talk with your kids about their sleep/wake schedules. Assess time in extracurricular activities and outsides jobs, and make adjustments, if appropriate.
4. Consider having each teen keep a sleep diary for 1 or 2 weeks. Review it for poor sleep hygiene, and make an effort to change patterns, if necessary.
5. During vacations, help your teen adjust for a smooth transition to the upcoming school schedule. Go to sleep and awaken 15 minutes earlier each day until teen reaches desired sleep and wake times.
6. Always be on the look out for signs of sleep deprivation—difficulty waking in the morning, falling asleep during quiet times in the day, irritability in late day, and sleeping super-long on weekends.
7. Avoid use of caffeine and other substances that can affect sleep.

The Argumentative Teen

2007-09-05T17:42:00.000-05:00

Parent Question: Why are teens so argumentative?

(1) They are busy practicing a new way of
thinking. (Jean Piaget called it "formal operational thought.") Between 11
and 16 years of age, teens develop the ability to solve problems WITHOUT the
concrete, action-oriented experiences of a child. Teens are forming theories
about everything—and testing them out. They make assumptions, consider
hypotheses, and work out the inferences that follow. This abstract thinking
is actually very difficult to master. So, teens argue constantly to practice
their abstract thought processes.

(2) Most parents are threatened by their arguing teen. I know of one dad
who threatened to put his "rude and argumentative" daughter into juvenile
hall because of it! She was a totally good kid with straight A's, piano
recitals, drama club—the whole bit. If he'd understood that she was
struggling to learn abstract thought and logic, perhaps lively debates would
have taken the place of rejection and heartbreak on their home front.

(3) What can parents do to actively support their teen's abstract thinking?
Why not go with the flow and nurture this new development? Encourage your
teen's efforts to define his or her world view through abstraction and
reflection, questions, and experimentation. Don't rush in with answers.
And don't automatically go on the war path when a teenager questions your
most deeply held values or assumptions about life. Let teens have the
opportunity to make intellectual choices for themselves. Organize your home
environment to allow for formal abstract thinking.

How can parents cope?
1. Why not create a think tank that is rich, both socially and
intellectually! Let your teen interact with and bring in other people’s viewpoints.
Exposure to different types of people and thought can be very
positive now. Different role models should be made available too.

2. Dig out some of your old college books on logic. Reread Aristotle and
Socrates. Introduce them to your teen. (Wow! They'll think you're "far
out.")

3. You might even set up and engage in formal debates. (This would have the
added benefit of teaching all of you the rules for "fighting fair" when you
disagree.) Remember: the goal is to increase the capacity to think—for
teens and parents alike. So, use this time to reexamine some of your own
ideas and clean up any of your own thought processes that may have grown
stuck, rusty, or sloppy over time. The timing is perfect to support your
teen's cognitive growth—and your own.

Remember: This argumentative phase is related to your teen's
struggle to learn abstract thought and logic. Try to nurture, support, and
even enjoy this development, rather than feel annoyed or threatened by it.

Teens and Making Mistakes

2007-06-12T12:13:00.000-05:00

Parent Question: My teen says he doesn't need my help with school stuff or day-to-day decisions, but I see him making mistakes. How can I stay involved without being too intrusive?

Winston Churchill once said, "I've eaten many of my words, and I've found them nourishing." Do you support your teen's effort to find out who she is, try things on her own, and make her own "nourishing" mistakes? Often, a parent's role is to simply watch the development. Freedom is the starting point. If a parent gives a teen the freedom to make decisions and experience her stumbles, she will learn. When my oldest son was a junior, he switched high schools by his own choice. As difficult as it was to watch his painful process, I learned this key parent lesson: "I don't care what you decide -- I just want you to do what you want." While it may sound obvious and easy to do, is isn't. The teen years are about your teen making choices, learning from mistakes, and being "nourished" through hard-won lessons along the way.

The Ins and Outs of Allowance: What Homefront Dollars Teach Children and Teens

2007-05-15T15:04:00.000-05:00

What is a good age to start giving an allowance?
The purpose of allowance is to teach children and teens how to save, spend, and budget money. I think ten-years of age is an age appropriate time to begin learning these things and a good time to start an allowance.

How should a parent determine when to increase or decrease an allowance?
If the child or teen is running short -- spending too much and not saving -- then talk about and work on a budget together, and see if more money is needed. Adjust accordingly.

Should allowances be based on doing chores?
Importantly, household chores should NOT be connected to an allowance. Everyone in the family needs to help out in some way, so mom and dad are not doing most of the work. It works well if each child chooses and takes responsibility for several big chores that he or she likes to do and does well. Teens need to learn adult survival skills. So, give them plenty of responsibilities around the house, and help them learn responsibility – the ultimate survival skill. And don’t forget: Allowance should not be connected to household chores.

Should allowances be based on good behavior or grades? Similarly, should an allowance be tied to punishment?
Allowances should never be connected to good behavior or grades! Parents, select a different way to reward children and teens for good behavior and grades. It is fine to give them a monetary reward for the good grades, but don’t say it is their allowance. Remember: Allowances should be put in place to teach children and teens how to save, spend, and budget. Similarly, allowances should never be tied to punishment. Don’t withhold an allowance, if your teen has done something wrong. Select a different way to communicate your thoughts about your teen’s negative behavior.

If a child or teen gets a job, should an allowance stop?
I like the idea of continuing with allowance even though a job now figures into the picture. They key is working together (parent and teen) on a budget. With more money coming in the teen’s door (from a job), then more money can be saved and perhaps invested. Teens can learn to buy stocks or invest in other ways. A watchful eye on spending should be always executed. Parents want to encourage saving and investing. Jobs increase these possibilities.

Should you give cash to a child, or deposit money in a savings account for them?
Yes, if it is done in a way that nurtures the habit of saving money and setting an example of saving.

Should there be rules set for what an allowance can be spent on, or is it just "fun money?"
Yes. A general rule of thumb is to spend one-half to two-thirds or an allowance, and save the rest. Importantly, children and teens also need to learn how to make decisions and handle or learn from money mistakes. For example, if they overspend, and haven't saved enough to buy a sibling a birthday present, they've not managed their money well, and need to make some shifts. Giving them the opportunity to call the shots does teach children and teens alike valuable lessons about money management.

Curfews for Teens

2007-04-11T13:17:00.000-05:00

Curfews are important because they set up reasonable boundaries to protect your family culture. But know that teens hate fixed, out-of-date, and inhuman rules with a passion. (Have you noticed?) They want to be involved in the process of establishing them. So sit down with your teens and work together on a list of specific rules for your household. Give them the opportunity to come up with ideas, add to the list, and comment on anything related to each of the rules. Here are a few simple rules for putting curfews in place.
(1) Involve your teens in setting their nighttime boundaries. Reach an agreement together as to a curfew time that is age-appropriate for each teen. COMPROMISE, if necessary. At 14, you may want her home at 11:00pm. She wants 11:30pm. Reach a middle point and agree on it -- say 11:15pm. Or if she has good reasons for 11:30pm, go with it. You don't always have to be the "winner."
As your teen gets older, the arrival hour is negotiated toward an increasingly later time. For example, at 16, it may be 12:30am. The important point is that you reach an agreement together as to this time, and discuss the consequences of breaking the curfew time, too.
(2) Communicate clearly what the agreed upon times are, through written and verbal reinforcements. This means, post it on the refrigerator and reinforce with a verbal reminder like "Look forward to seeing you around eleven tonight."
(3) Execute the consequences of broken roles. When she is late, give her the freedom and opportunity to comment and explain. May be there were unplanned events, like a flat tire, or a surprise party. Try to find a solution to the problem together.
(4) If a teen still breaks the curfew rule, let the agreed-upon consequences fall into place. Since you and your teen have already discussed these consequences and set them up together (e.g. take away car keys, remove home privileges, like TV use, etc.) you are not forced into the position of playing the "heavy" or "bad guy."
(5) If your teen has missed curfew because drinking or drugs were involved, then the consequences are more serious. Simply enact these more serious consequences that you and your teen set up together.

KEEPING A JOURNAL DURING THE TEEN YEARS

2007-04-04T10:17:00.000-05:00

There are 3 reasons why journaling is beneficial to teens:

1. A journal can help you make sense out of what is going on in your life. As you write down your feelings, you get them out, and start to clarify what they mean. It’s cathartic. A journal offers a safe place to feel and think about what’s happening.
2. Journals are a good record of your life, too. They detail what you did when you were younger. They can help kids remember what they were like at a certain period or time. Journals preserve the story of your life.
3. Journals provide a place to imagine, dream and explore thoughts. You can write in your journal to imagine possible solutions to difficult problems, consider the positive and negatives of the ideas you come up with, and figure out solutions to conflict situations. You can write in your journal to set goals and imagine future accomplishments. Think of something that you would like to happen to you, and use your journal as a first step to make it occur. As you write about it, you are rehearsing the idea, and using your journal to imagine a way into it.

Practical Tips:

Select a journal that you love to hold.
Choose one that you can easily carry around with you.
Write regularly. Develop a habit of writing in it. Be consistent, but not obsessive.
To get going, just start writing!

And parents, don’t forget the larger picture:

(1) "The Sacred Flight" is the life journey every child takes through adolescence into adulthood. Teens are discovering their adult self during these difficult years. They need to learn whom they are inside and become strong, independent, and responsible. A journal can be a source of discovery, comfort, and exploration.

(2) It is difficult for parents to truly "let go" of their teen. For the first twelve years or so, they have been connecting with their children, and now they must love and let go simultaneously. To love, parents will have to somehow hang in there for them. To let go, parents can keep reminding themselves: "This is not about me." This may be the hardest thing they've ever done as a parent. A journal can help teens sort through their complex thoughts and get their feelings out.

(3) A teen is detaching now. This is a natural part of the process of family life. The need to detach is so great that a teen may not even talk to a parent for long periods of time. A teen may avoid a parent altogether. In fact, much of the bizarre behavior can be explained with an eye on this desire to detach. So, parents: Your teen's life must move forward. Teens have their unique sought-after ideas, programs, and plans. Get out of their way. Encourage them to use a journal during this often confusing and turbulent time. Journaling is an invaluable tool to take along on their journey.

What is a Teen Advocate?

2007-03-16T16:03:00.000-05:00

Parent Question: On a personal note, what made you, Susan, decide to become a "teen advocate"? And what exactly does that title mean?

A teen advocate is someone who is supportive of teens and goes to bat for them. First and foremost, it is someone who understands them -- their needs, inclinations, and ways of thinking, and then, because of this knowledge, is able to help teens discover their voice. Too many adults, including some parents and teachers, shut teens down and out! An advocate is someone who has gotten to deeply know them, and sees the importance of helping teens develop their strengths, become independent, and grow into responsible adults.

I initially became a "teen advocate" through my research for my doctorate degree. I spent one whole year, acting like a cultural anthropologist, inside three teen groups: a church group, a local YMCA group, and a drop-in hangout center. I also interviewed nearly 200 teens and their adult advisors within the three youth groups during this time. I did not find alienated, dissatisfied, and unhappy teens. Rather, in each of the three groups, teens felt strong connections towards each other. In a sense, they had created their own "families." I became a "teen advocate" because I got to deeply know teens through this research. I wanted to help them identify the positive things about themselves. Knowing and feeling good about 'who you are' is the foundation for all other learning.

After my research project was completed, I continued working with teens. I took teen groups on leadership building retreats, and organized inter-school workshops to teach teens responsibility-taking and social skills. Then, for twelve years, I planned and led leadership workshops devoted to helping college teens sort through their values and future directions and build self-reliance. Self-reliant teens can identify their strengths and list their resources.

Taken together, these experiences led me to become a teen advocate.

Pushing Kids to Take Leadership Roles

2006-12-18T15:30:00.000-06:00

Question: Both my kids have leadership skills but now, as teens, they hold back because they are self-conscious. Will they outgrow this stage? Or should I push them to take leadership roles?

Sometimes we can help most by doing nothing -- or very little. If parents just charge in without thinking, fireworks can erupt and shoot dangerously off course before anyone even knows what's happened. More times than I'd like to admit, I have made the mistake of stepping forward, getting involved, talking too much and expressing what I thought was the best approach -- only to wish later that I'd just kept my mouth shut. Beware of over-involvement. Try smiles an humor instead. Try to relate to your teen with more objectivity and lightheartedness. Step back. See what happens if you wait a bit. Or engage in a dialogue on personal values.

Teens have their own unique values, and it is very important to let them surface. It might be helpful to have your teen write down his values. Write yours down too. And share them with each other. A note of extreme caution: Don't try to impose your values onto your teen! Teens must discover, identify, and own their values -- and not simply replicate yours. A few guidelines for parents: Recognize the strengths of your teen's values, support the values cited by your teen, and encourage open discussions on the topic of values. You may discover that taking a leadership role is not important to your teen!

Sparking Creativity in Teens

2006-12-08T16:37:00.000-06:00

Parent Question: My teenage daughter says that school is boring. She was very creative as a little kid. What are some ideas for sparking that creativity again?

Parents must know that there are different kinds of intelligence. Math, science, and english classes measure intelligence with numbers and words. They reflect a traditional definition of ability. The truth is that all kids are smart -- they just express their intelligence in varied and magical ways. Parents must first learn what kinds of intelligence their kids have in order to nurture and strengthen them. When you've discovered what they are, help your teen find activities, at school or within the community, that develop them. Here are 5 different areas: 1. musical (sing, compose and read songs), 2. interpersonal or social (enjoy groups, perceive motivations, display empathy), 3. spatial (take things apart. work visually with paints, design, light or architectural drawings), 4. intrapersonal (deeply aware of one's thoughts and feelings and talk about experiences), and 5. bodily-kinesthetic (coordinate fine and gross motor movements -- dance, sports, etc). Parents, remember to broaden your definition of intelligence. In doing so, you free a teen and spark creativity again.

What life lessons do teens teach adults?

2006-11-11T17:30:00.000-06:00

Adults are so fixed on keeping the same course. Teens teach us that experimentation and exploration are good, and that life's detours can lead us to discover hidden treasures. During his teen years, my oldest son loved change. Because of this mindset, he got me to think that change was good, too. (Note: Opening your arms to change, does not mean you have to let go of your values.) And I discovered that many teen interests are worth their weight in gold: exploring, expressing emotion, validating feelings, discovering new friends, and pursuing freedom. And at all times, my teen reminds me that humor is key to living. Think of something that at first appears negative and try to see the humor in it. Even poke fun at yourself. Recall and share it with another parent. Don' leave humor and merriment to the comedians. Life with teens is too tumultuous for that. Balance all that angst and intensity with the power of laughter.

Teens and Work

2006-11-06T11:19:00.000-06:00

Jobs let teens experience the world of work. Even if the work is hard and boring at times, it is work. This in itself is an important lesson: Work is work. If you stick with it, the rewards are enough money to buy something you want, whether a T.V. or saving for college. Probably the most difficult part of work, for teens, is missing the social or "play time" with other teens.
I think work is good for teens, especially summer work. Jobs during the school year should have reduced hours, no more than ten to fifteen hours weekly, so they don't interfere with school. It's important for teens to find their job by themselves. If a parent stays out of it, teens learn the difficulty of finding a job -- an important discovery. Another is the experience of someone else serving as the boss, other than a familiar parent or teacher, to whom your teen must report and also be evaluated by at regular intervals.
Seeing how much money he or she can make, and what one can possibly do with this amount is critical to understanding value, expenses, savings, and profit. For example, if a teen works all day helping out in an office, then he can measure just how much work was required to earn that money. It gives him a feel for the hard work required, compared to the buying power of the money that was earned.
Finally, there are numerous other lessons that teens have shared with me: "I don't think I can do work that is boring day after day." Or, "I want work that brings me in contact with people, not machinery." Or, "I don't care what work I do as long as I don't bring it home." Or, "I want professional work where I am treated with respect." The bottom line: let a teen try his hand at working!

Graduating Seniors

2006-06-12T20:00:00.000-05:00

Parents attempt to use a strong disciplinary approach with their teens, often with frustrating results. This "old school" approach doesn't work with older teens because they want freedom more than anything else. It is their top value (along with friends and a focus on themselves).
Family systems can be closed or open. In a closed system, teens are given orders, threats, and warnings by their parents. In a totally open family, teens are allowed to do what they want, and parents often throw up their hands when the going gets tough. The first approach puts teens on a short leash, while the second puts them on one that is too long.
The ideal system is somewhere in between. Teens need enough direction and control to guide them, yet enough room to let them breathe, learn, and discover. There must to be a balance between structure and flexibility.
To sum up, a strong disciplinary approach overlooks the need for growth and exploration during the teen years, especially those who have just graduated from high school. So, let out the leash some, and watch what happens. You might even enjoy it too.

Balance

2006-05-12T13:33:00.000-05:00

How do parents remain balanced while watching their teen take flight?

(1) Keep your feet on the ground. Connect with nature. It may be your best antidote to the wild, risk-taking teen. I take daily walks around a nearby pond. It nourishes my senses and give me balance.

(2) Be patient. Take things slowly. Fruit that is harvested too soon is bitter and hard, but given the opportunity to ripen, its inborn sweetness emerges. Your teen is likewise ripening and maturing. Don't hurry the process. Surrender to this time. Relax and try to have fun with your teen. If you make a mistake, learn from it.

(3) Protect yourself. As parents, sometimes it's best to withdraw into our shells and wait out the siege. Later, we can take action to prevent it from happening again.

(4) Rest. The passage to adulthood is arduous for your teen -- and fatiguing for you. Rest is essential for parents. Step out of the way and refocus on yourself. Take breaks, even vacations, from your teens.

(5) Let the lessons of tai chi inform your parenting! Lead by letting teens follow their own nature and be their own guides. Step back and allow negative force to pass by you, then return love. Conserve your energy for when you really need it.

Do You Know Your Teen?

2006-03-31T10:50:00.000-06:00

Are you up-to-date on your kid's life? Take this quiz by my colleague and friend, Camille Noe Pagan, of Lifetime Television for Women, and see.

Camille begins her quiz: "You know your teen loves listening to Kelly Clarkson, won't touch broccoli and could stand to pull better grades at school. But when it comes to really knowing her, there's a whole lot more you need to have a handle on..."

Click on or cut and paste the link below to take her must-do quiz. You will find out how much you know about your teen (or tween), and discover the easy ways you can learn more. "Teenagers want a good relationship with their parents but don't always know how to initiate one -- which is why it's up to you to get the ball rolling." http://www.lifetimetv.com/reallife/relation/quiz/rel_quiz_knowyourteen.html

Young Love

2006-02-27T14:27:00.000-06:00

Young adolescents are blown over by the power of first love. "I never realized how strong love is," one teen that I interviewed told me. She continued, "It can't go away. I've had it for eight months now, and I know I have to let go and move on. It's so hard. It's as strong as the love I have for my family." These are complex emotions for anyone, but a teen is experiencing them for the first time. While it sounds simple, parents of teens can be guided by the knowledge that love is powerful. It can explain a teen's behavior when nothing else does. Romantic love is so all-consuming that a teen may think she has to set aside her love for family because she doesn't have enough love for both. Parents and siblings can feel this exclusion. She's sorting through her emotions now.

Tips: Create an open dialogue between you and your teen to talk about love, passion, sex, and relationships. Keep topics surfacing—frequently, lightly, and with openness. You'll find that your teen needs these conversations. They're on his or her mind now, and it's likely that not too many adults initiate discussion. Be sure to share your own ideas and views on love, relationships, marriage—and even passion—with your teen.

The Do's and Don'ts of Parenting a Teenager

2006-01-26T17:20:00.000-06:00

Most teens I interviewed (approximately 150) told me that their parents didn't really know them. These teens wanted to be recognized and loved for "who I am inside." Instead, parents get hung up on physical appearance -- if teens have a pierced earring or pink hair or strange clothing -- and miss the inner essence of their teens. As one mother said, "we're not paying attention to who they are inside. And that's what they want more than anything."
How do you get to know who your teen really is? Parents can follow my "do's and don'ts":

The Do's of Parenting a Teenager
(1) Behave, talk, and act differently than when your teen was a child.
(2) Listen, observe and don't "talk at."
(3) Help teens let their feelings out--validate & don't try to change them.
(4) Give teens a role in setting-up rules and let them experience mistakes.
(5) Learn to compromise.

The Don'ts of Parenting a Teenager
(1) Stop the questions, the demands and the inflexible rules.
(2) Stop criticizing, scolding and grounding.
(3) Don't give teens unsolicited advice -- EVER
(4) Don't schedule meetings with teens -- talk with them on their terms.

Video Cameras and Family History

2006-01-03T16:30:00.000-06:00

If you don’t have one already, buy an inexpensive, easy-to-use video camera. Or rent one; I did for our family’s first few video recordings. For sure, video cameras last a long time. I still have the one that I bought twenty years ago. Trust me, it will be one of your wisest family investments. At the very least, pick up a camera. Why? Movies and photos become the visual memories of your family. They detail ‘who you are’ at a point in time. But don’t just use them for special occasions. Catch the everyday moments of your day – especially your play and interaction together.

Our oldest son, John, who is twenty-two now, recently took all of our home movies and pieced different shots into various themes (like birthday parties, visits to grandparents, story telling and play themes) and put them on a DVD for my husband for Father’s Day. We have two such compilations. Each is a fascinating visual display of our family’s history.

Spending time with grandparents is another quick and easy way to experience family history. Grandma and grandpa have all the stories and memories stored right there for us to enjoy. Hang out with them to catch the colorful details about your family culture, traditions, and relationships. Better yet, use your video camera to record their stories and their images for years to come.

Family Storytelling

2005-12-07T10:42:00.000-06:00

Family Storytelling

When we look back at our experiences together, we can pull out stories that have special meaning to us. This storytelling is a powerful way to express and share our family’s unique past. Listen in on two of my favorites growing up with two older brothers, and you will understand the vital role of the family story.
The house where I grew up had a cozy fireplace in the family room. Next to it was a small compartment where wood was stored. Our winter’s supply of logs could be put directly into this storage box by opening a small door at the back. Wood didn't have to be carried through the house. We simply stacked and stockpiled it in this box, using the outside door. Unexpectedly, my parents slowly learned that this same double door feature also accommodated the lifestyle of teenagers. I vividly recall the year after my oldest brother Dean had been away at college. A distinguishing feature of this age was arriving home extremely late after being out with friends. On one such night, my mother thought everyone was in the house, and locked the main door. When my brother returned home, he quickly discovered that he couldn't get inside. Resourcefully, he recalled the wood box "entrance" and proceeded to come into the house through it. My mother, who is a light sleeper, heard the sounds of wood falling (as we usually kept a large supply of logs). When my brother pushed through, in the hopes of being unnoticed at three o'clock in the morning, he looked up to see her there to "greet" him.
Another favorite story is the one we tell about this same brother leaving on a trip. Suitcase packed, it sat outside on the ground near the back of his car. But during the distractions of saying goodbye, he forgot to put it in the trunk before he left. Much to our surprise, when he drove down the carport hill, he ran over his suitcase! He quickly realized what had happened, got out, threw it in the back, and drove off down the road. We never let my brother Dean forget this “accident” of sorts, and howl with laughter every time we retell this story. Remembering our past in this way, serves to deepen our bond, connect us, and quite simply, bring laughter to us all. Humor is key to our story selection process. For certain, by repeating our pasts through storytelling, we experience profound joy.
Stories like these abound in all families. Use storytelling to share much-loved moments from your past. What are some of your family’s favorites?

Family Forgiveness and Cleansing Rain

2005-11-26T20:00:00.000-06:00

Once on a family vacation, we experienced a midnight thunderstorm. Awakened by the sound of heavy rain, I went out onto the screened-in-porch with our two older children, then eight and ten years old. Sheets of rain poured down in front of us like a thick clear wall. Surrounded by water on three sides, yet cozy and dry under the protection of the porch, we stood for thirty minutes mesmerized by the solid downpour. Lightening brightened the sky periodically, followed by booming thunder in the distance. It was glorious. While we were enchanted by nature’s natural drumbeat and luminous sky show, it was the rain showers that made their mark that night. Not a drop of water touched us, yet we felt cleansed, as though the massive amounts of water purified us.
Just like spring rains bathe and freshen the earth, forgiveness too is a powerful human cleanser. Forgiveness helps us shed emotions, clear out and heal, and focus on the good things. Emotional clarity flows from rains of forgiveness. Let me explain. After several painful years, one of our sons phoned home from college to individually ask each family member, parents and sibs alike, if we would forgive him for his difficult behavior when he was a teen. He vividly recalled many of the arduous and trying incidents, reminding us of their detail, some of which we had chosen to forget. While the four of us individually told him that we forgave him, he reassuringly asked each of us a second time to forgive him, as if to permanently reassert the fact in his own mind.
It was just like the thick wall of spring rain on our porch. Liberated from negative emotions, now washed away, our son felt cleansed. Time and energy for positive interactions returned. For too long, negative feelings and events consumed his time. Letting go of them caused a purification to occur. Clarity was available to him now. The heavy rains of forgiveness freed him.
Just as the spring solstice is a new beginning, forgiving another family member opens the door to positive energy and intention. Shedding painful memories creates a sense of peace in the present. It frees one up for the beauty to return to the relationship, much like the arrival of long awaited spring. But don’t hang around for the person who has caused the damage to ask for forgiveness. This could consume a lifetime, as though the puffy clouds dash by and never let loose their rain. Forgive now and experience a sense of peace and joy in the present. The message is clear: Be cleansed by the rains of forgiveness.
Have you experienced the inner joy of being forgiven? Have you recently been the forgiver? How did each feel? Do you care to share you’re your experiences here? Read about forgiveness in an excellent book entitled “Forgive For Good” by Fred Luskin, Ph.D. or check out his website @ http//www.learningtoforgive.com/.

Blank Canvas

2005-11-14T10:27:00.000-06:00

Several summers ago, we started a new family tradition—the creation of a group art project. We trek off to the local art store together and purchase a large blank canvas and lots of acrylic paints and brushes. Then we divide the canvas into six sections with a light pencil mark. This gives each of us our boundaries to work within. Since there are five of us, the sixth space is usually shared by two who want to have another smaller shared space. We all then paint our own space, taking as long as we want. The entire project is normally completed within a day, with each person usually working in isolation of the others. Anything is acceptable.
Not only is this art project fun to do every year, but we all look at it frequently and are now able to compare the years. We can remember how old each of us was and the important things that happened. But the value of this group art project is that it is something done by our family as a group. It reminds us that familymaking is fun. It also makes everyone feel attached, connected, and part of our family. When family members complete their individual canvas spaces, an amazingly integrated painting emerges.
Everyone needs to know and feel that they belong and play an important role in the family. They need to be involved in shaping the family culture in which they live and grow. Cultural traditions, like the shared canvas, are rituals. Rituals act like glue that holds the family together. Families can develop their own rituals. Any event the family enjoys and does regularly can be a ritual. It might be a fancy Friday dinner, a walk together early every Saturday morning, or a regular walk up the local mountain. Another of our rituals is to take a day-long bike trip along Lake Michigan every summer. The best part is that there are no rules on how to define rituals. They just have to make you and your family feel special.
Rituals often begin with parents, but children’s values and ideas should also be reflected in their selection. If a child wants to introduce a new ritual, parents should allow it, knowing that this will make the child feel special. Each member of the family can establish rituals and weave them into the fabric of the group.

Any event that feels special to your family can be a ritual and serve to bring the group closer together. What special rituals does your family have? Can you share them here?

Pure Play

2005-11-09T10:25:00.000-06:00

Recreation, or play, means to re-create. Ask yourself “what do I do when I play?” Does it strengthen my insides? Is the joy so great that I can experience the beauty of creating and recreating? Play is not business, not obligation, not something that has to be done, not necessarily productive, and not necessarily involved with something “worthwhile.” There are times for these things, but they are not play.
Play is pure joy. My eight-year-old constantly reminds me of what play is. When he runs with delight, he expresses a rare form of joy. When he screams with enthusiasm at the plan to stay overnight at a friend’s house, he expresses the same pure joy. When he races to one end of the living room, slides, leaps up, runs back and slides again, he is playing. Play means to laugh, jump, celebrate, and feel happy. If you don’t look forward to your play, there is no joy in it.
Most people will reply to the question “what do you do for fun?” by listing all the planned activities on their calendar. They are going to go the health club after work, then out to dinner with a friend, then to their daughter’s basketball game, then to the symphony with their friends. These are very important activities, but they aren’t pure play unless you look forward to them because they bring you happy feelings, fill you up with joy, and make you smile. An empty calendar can bring such a feeling. It leaves the door open for your day to flow naturally, playfully.
So how does one begin to play? It helps to turn off the TV and the computer. Get outside. Connect to nature. Experience the beauty of our earth. Look around and feel a part of the joy and wisdom of what you see. Walk, run, move physically. Stop thinking. Start really looking at what you see. Start feeling. Balance heart thoughts with head thoughts. Let out intuition. FLOW. Allow play to emerge. See what comes out to play. Try not to force play. Be spontaneous. Laugh. Open up a new capacity for fun. Let go. Free your own child within. Enjoy the now. Do nothing. Observe the quiet. Just be together. Dance! Try mooing at cows.
The message here is simple: Let go and play! What are some family play ideas that work for you? Can you share them here?